A Christmas Card

I got a Christmas card yesterday. 

One that made me gasp, breath pulled from my lungs and tears well up to brimming.

Just look!

Last year................................This year!

My little buddy Ezra Bulaguhare is growing up.

His letter contained a picture he drew of his hand traced and nails drawn in.

It said, "The beautiful hand of baby Ezra."

I love little boy hands... dirty and yet so sweet.

I must confess when I think of him I see that baby. 

Baby no longer. Baby fat is vanishing. 

Eyes are bright and with out fear! Smart... as in Ugandan smartly dressed!

He's a scholar now in three piece suit.

This is why family preservation should be given more funding than institutions. 

Children grow up in families! They have aunts or grandmas or parents who are supported in the task of raising them, feeding them, educating them! Interestingly enough many children are place in institutions, even though they have family, so that they can care for their needs like schooling. This is a tragedy! Families can do far more than institutions can. We believe in families!

Merry Christmas sweet big boy Ezra!

Ezra's 1st Day of School

This morning I got a sweet little surprise on my news feed... 

Ezra went to school today!

What a big boy and he looks so "smart" in his big school uniform. 

So precious!

Although he looks a bit unsure I am so excited for him and the opportunity he will have to grow and learn in his pre-school. I hope tomorrow he has a smile and feels excited to go! 

I wonder how excited his aunt was today. 

Was she so thrilled as she buttoned up his over-sized shirt and put on his little shorts? Did she remark that he needed to keep them clean and take them off the minute he got home? Did she tell him it would be fun and not to be afraid? Did her eyes get a little teary when he had to go? 

I've thanked God today that he has a teacher and classmates to spend time with, to grow with and to look up to!

Sponsorship is a really amazing way to ensure that children stay out of orphanages and institutional settings! Sponsorship also ensures that a child's family of origin is able to raise them and give them what they need to grow, be healthy and to learn and have a future. 

We are daily thankful that we were able to learn about Ezra, his aunt and the life they live in Uganda. We are also honored to be able to share his story, one that didn't include adoption but has still allowed him to be raised in a loving home with great opportunities.

A Family Needs Their JJ!

:::::Update::::
A wonderful family has stepped forward to begin the process to adopt JJ! In my opinion, there isn't a better family out there for him! Let's pray him home now! Specific prayers are: For a speedy process, for stability in his birth nation, for the family to be prepared for his particular needs and to find amazing resources for him in their local area and for JJ to transition well into his new family!

A note to the few of you who have posted comments in the last few days wanting more info on JJ... thank you! Please check out Adoption Advocates International or Reece's Rainbow to learn about other children very similar to JJ needing families!


There is a sweet little boy... 

He lives in a little town in East Africa, a town that doesn't have medical resources to correct his clubbed feet, hydrocephalus and other medical needs associated with his Spina Bifida.  Because of these needs he was orphaned. He is completely on his own.


All day long he lays in bed, sits long hours on a pot and scoots around on the red dirt.  Other kids in the home hit him on the head, but he never hits back.


I am pretty convinced JJ is not only a survivor but a champion! 

Despite his clubbed feet and poorly developed legs, and partial paralysis he has learned to walk. Yes. Walk! He walks slowly pulls himself up and shuffles down the halls of the orphanage and finds people to talk to, play with and to bestow his gorgeous smile upon!


This infectiously smiley boy has lived his whole little life on a pot and in a bed and on the red dirt.




He had a family who wanted to adopt him. I was told that when he heard that he would be adopted he dropped down on his knees and started crying in joy... he was so happy! He knew his deep desire for a family. Unfortunately, things happened in the life of that family that made adopting JJ impossible. 


So again, he waits. On the pot. On the red dirt. Alone.


He has waited years, available for adoption. One has to wonder, why? People who know and have spent a lot of time with JJ all say they know he is an intelligent boy with a lot of potential, if only he had two things... a family... some medical care. 


One intern that spent months with JJ said of him, 

"JJ is one of the most uncomplicated kids I know. He is never complaining about anything. JJ is very good in keeping himself busy when he is alone. Sometimes I observe him and he’s singing or talking with himself but he is not mentally disabled. He’s the first who knew my name when I came last year. He understands everything and he speaks. He just needs attention like all the kids do. Always when he gets attention he’s the happiest person in the world, and his eyes are always shining. He’s motivated to walk. He’s motivated for nearly everything. He will melt anyone’s heart. He really is a clever and loving little boy."


Another family that spent a lot of time with JJ while adopting their child at the same home said, 

"We all fell in love with sweet JJ! He was usually left on a potty or in a bed, as he can't walk a lot, so we would always bring him down to the grass where the children played so he could be involved too. He is very smart and gentle and sweet! He would grab onto my hands and pull himself up to walk, or make his way up and down the sidewalk from the grass to the rooms where they sleep so that he could play with us. Some of the other kids were mean to him, but he was never mean back. He has the most beautiful smile that never left his face the whole time we were there!"


I can't imagine if JJ is smiling and happy sitting on the pot or scooting through red dirt what he will be like in a family, with toys, and brothers or sisters and with fixed legs... can you? 


It is something I am marveling at... the endless possibilities that God has buried deep within JJ for a family to discover and produce! What a "lucky" family they will be!


A family needs their JJ, just as much as JJ needs his family!

Let's see JJ in a family by this time next year!


Please share...

::::::::::::

Post Script...

I know what you are thinking, I have thought it too. "I want to adopt. I feel God calling me to adopt. But JJ is too old. He has special needs I don't think I can deal with or sign up for. I don't think God would/has called me to something I know I couldn't do..."

Can I just clarify something?

We are in a season and a time in the world when healthy infants, under the age of three are not really available and needing to be adopted, perhaps periodically, but not at the rate that people are requesting to adopt in that particular demographic. There are waiting list of families desiring a healthy infant or toddler 100's long at many agencies. The thing is, nations around the world are doing a seemingly better job at preserving biological families and of placing infants in domestic adoption. This should excite us! This is what being "pro-adoption" should be about...  cheering for the end of the need for adoption! So what, if it comes in the exact age and demographic that we'd most like to adopt a child in? Instead of feeling entitled we should be rejoicing... and moving on to the next need that needs meeting.

As things change so must we. The reality is that the vast majority of children needing to be adopted internationally are older and/or have special needs. If God has called you to adopt internationally he has called you to kids just like JJ, because those are the kids who are currently most available for adoption. There are gobs of waiting children all over the world but most of them are not healthy babies or toddlers. The main methods of adoption that would likely grant you an infant adoption ethically is domestic infant adoption or foster-to-adopt.

While I know one half of adoption is about growing our families, and that is a very personal choice, however the other half of adoption is about working within a system and filling a need for the children that are available for adoption. Your personal needs/wants as a family should always be placed under or to the side of the needs of children who are available for adoption... either a surrender of our perfect family picture or moving on to another method of growing our family.

I know it is hard. It is a big surrender. I have personally struggled with this topic as well... both before and after our adoption. After it all, my only regret is that I wish we had been "open" to more.

Thanks for hearing, thanks for sharing about JJ's needs and other kids like him!

Thinking on Adoption Ethics

Things are all in an uproar over the "E" word... ethics.
There has been some good and hard things being said "out there" recently... (and I am not even on Facebook any more!)

I have, by in large, really enjoyed hearing many people's stances and thoughts on this very heated subject. But, sometimes it is really wrankling... on both sides of the ring!

I am going to be totally honest here.

I don't like to be a fence sitter, but in this topic, I am. Mainly because I can't find a spot on either side that really fits my personal observations, experiences and thoughts.  Both sides make me uncomfortable... there I said it!

When I wrote my story about Ezra it wasn't to shame people for adopting a child with known family... and yes, I did get several emails and messages that stated something to that effect. Sadly. I think some missed the point.

I wrote it because in Ezra's case his FAMILY needed advocacy... not adoption... to solve the issues they were dealing with. My point was that we need to deal rightly/justly with all children we are referred or come in contact with and to ensure that International Adoption remains the last resort for children in poverty. Why make it an unnecessary first action, (like it would have been for Ezra)? Too often that's what's being done in International Adoption. Wonderful things like sponsorship/family preservation and even domestic adoption should be sought out... not because IA is "bad" but because it is clearly in the child's best interest to explore those other options first! International adoption should not be considered bad, evil or inherently unethical. Nor should IA be considered the best choice, the first alternative and based upon adoptive families wants or desires.

“Adoption is acceptable when appropriate for the child,

not when it is the desire of the adoptive family.”

- Bert Ballard

The 2 Stances
But, here is what I am seeing... there are often two stances... somewhat polar in their views that keep coming to fight it out in the ring of adoption/ethical issues.  I am personally drawn to both sides of the argument and recently I was wondering why that was true. I questioned... "Could both be right... at least in part?" It was then I realized that the loudest people are often those most entrenched in their stance and that both stances at times (in their most extreme positions) seem to forget one main thing.

The child.

Extreme stances naturally tend to leave out the most important part. Both enter the ring caring about the child and then seem to lose sight of the real reason they entered it and tend to focus on lesser things.
That is sad.

I have seen first hand that the "pro-adoption" side is very guilty of throwing in the towel and calling it "all good" because at least the child was adopted and now has a family, despite the fact that they may have already had a bio family who could have been capable of being a solution with a modicum of help. No real solution there because justice is not upheld or ensured for child and family.

Similarly, the "anti-adoption"side tends to throw out the baby (with the ethical bathwater) and call it "all good" because, at least, a potentially unethical adoption was avoided, despite the fact that many children have NO other option but adoption (domestic or international). Again, no real solutions because personal justice for the child wasn't provided.

When we fail to take the needs of the ONE into account we both fail, it doesn't matter what side of the ring we are on and how much we think we are right on our side.

Lets not forget that ethics need to be ethics centered on the child... their right to a family... and not to languish in an institutionalized setting. Family is always in the best interest of the child.

Lets not forget that adoption needs to be adoption centered on the child... one that upholds and supports their bio family at high costs, seeks to place them with a domestic family first and leaves International Adoption as a last resort. Family in this order is in the child's best interest.

Ethics and adoption are not in opposition to each other.
In fact, they are partners in upholding the justice of the child.

When both are combined where do we end up?
Sort of in the middle... together. 
Gasp!
Uh-huh.

Give Grace
When we make our position about not being against something but for something it helps others be more open minded about our stance. It is like pointing to the solution instead of pointing at a person and blaming.

This whole topic and participation in helping others (of any kind) is really really difficult with an extremely steep learning curve. Grace needs to be extended to all involved: adopters, adoptees, those working in the field of family preservation or domestic programs in various nations. We are all learning and changing our views. I am not who I was 3 or 4 years ago, pre-adoption. We must give grace, be patient with those who are less informed or still undecided on this issue. We must simply do our best to uphold the Gospel and justice and to gently help others understand what is at stake... the child's rights to justice and family. Forget the differing methods to accomplish this, those are disputable matters (Romans 14:1 "As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions.")
Remember the child and help others to too!

As I was thinking about ethics recently I took some of my more raw thoughts to my husband who helps me make sense of all the non-sense. One thing he said stuck with me, he said...

"Marce, remember way back when, when we first wanted to adopt? What was the main things you and I both thought about the most? It was, children belong in families. I don't think adoption solves that problem for all kids, because they may already have a family, but for some it clearly is a very good solution! I don't think I have ever been an 'adoption advocate'... I just believe in families."

Heck yeah! I am married to that man! He is so spot on it makes me want to punch the air.

I end with this... My stance.

I believe in families!

Will you join me?

A double orphan... living in a "slum"... being raised by biological family!

Adoption not needed.

God's glory on display!

Sick Kids Here and There and How I am Humbled

A few weeks ago we had a house full of sick children. Fevers, coughs, colds, aches and sleepless nights. It was about all I had to not dissolve into self-pity at how it was all destroying my plans and sleep needs. I was "suffering" because life was hard.

Truth be told, if I had to raise a child in someplace other than the western world I would probably stink big time at keeping them well and personally not going mad trying to keep them alive. Sad truth. SO many woman try and succeed at this very impossible task! Humility. What amazing women! I wish I could give them all a day or a week or month off of that stressful and weighty task, some how.

During the depths of my self-drama over my "sick" kids, I got an email from our contact at the ministry that oversees Ezra's care. It all reminded me how lucky/blessed we are to live in a place where very few children run the risk of dying of preventable things under the age of 5, but nearly 1 in 10 do in Uganda.

We got his picture of Ezra looking sick and extremely thin! 

He was running a dangerously high fever and malaria was suspected.

I was alarmed because just a few months prior he looked fat, happy and healthy. Honestly I had to double check they had sent the right photo and that this wasn't some other kid. But it was him.

The ministry nurse and social worker decided to take him to a pediatrician that day, where he had a blood test that found he had no malaria in his blood, but a very serious bacterial infection (which was exactly what Thea had the first week I had her in my care, it was scary stuff... one of her orphanage mates died of it 3 days after we arrived... it was horrible!) They got him on antibiotics, daily injections of something to help him and they also got a month worth of milk that his aunt could pick up for him daily at a local milk supplier.

Yesterday I got this update photo... He has gained weight and is already looking so much better! 

He had taken his last dose of the anti-biotic that morning, and the nurse said that his aunt had been very careful to follow all the instructions and to cooperate with the doctor's orders. Yay Aunty! Yay family! I am filled with hope and pride today... I am so proud that this family is surviving... and thriving! Best of all, I love how Ezra is cuddled up on his aunty's shoulder. He is loved and is giving love! He has never spent one day of his life in an orphanage and he is being cared for by people who take personal responsibility for his needs!

Families CAN care for their children... even when it seems very very challenging!


~Post Script~
Very interestingly, two years ago tomorrow was when I held Ezra and heard his family's story... we surrendered the idea that adoption was the only solution and moved forward with the task of keeping Ezra in his loving family, despite his double "orphan status" and his legitimately risky circumstances in life.

God is good!

The Stork A-Bomb: Older Child Adoption

I have written and re-written this post over again ... for about 18 months now.
(I'm not even joking about that!)

I've been trying to grasp the honest delightful and challenging aspects of "older child adoption", but I struggle to make the words come as they ought. I keep getting caught up in lesser things.

Perhaps, this is because I can't be judicious to PAPs (potential adoptive parents) while still being judicious to children?

The thing is, God may plan to give you a rolly baby or toddler, but then again I have come to realize adoption isn't about getting adoptive parents what they want. Adoption isn't about mail ordering a baby with latte skin and ringlets that aren't too tight and one that doesn't wake at night.

Adoption is about making an orphan a son.
That, can't be designed by little human minds.
That is the Stork A-Bomb... Older child adoption!

When we became children of God it wasn't based upon our age, our looks, our location, or our temperament. It had nothing at all to do with us. It had all to do with what He did and to bring Himself the greatest amount of glory... and about the beautiful fact that He shares that glory with us!

"For if, while we were God’s enemies,we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." (Romans 5:10-11)

We are never "aged out" of the ability to become son's of God. We are never cast off or over looked because we are less likely to be able to adjust to family life or change or to be loveable. We were made to participate in hope, freedom, liberation, and glory because of His gift of grace.

Call me an idealist, but there are children of all ages who were made for these things too. Yet in the very literal sense of these words, are not able to participate in it, and much more... namely, family, belonging and love, just because they are "older".

To be honest, older child adoption scared me stiff and wasn't what "I wanted." I didn't want to sign up for all that it would require. But, mercifully, it fell in our lap, in the form of a sweet 4 year old baby boy!

He was considered by all current evaluations as an "older child" (a.k.a. "non-infant adoption") or anyone over the age of 3 years old. Most people warned us that he would already have a set temperament or character, or that he would have trouble adjusting to our family and values. We were also told that he had the potential to ruin the lives of our biological children... or our lives too!!!

While we knew all of that could very well be true, we also knew God is in the business of restoration, hope, freedom and glory (among other things).

We were told he had just turned 3. Then I met him and I found out our "just-turned-3-year-old" would be nearly 5 when we got him home (by an innocent mistake with math.)

FIVE.

When I heard the words "He is making five" it was like a brick dropped on my heart. That is a big boy... not the baby or toddler I felt was safe and comfortable and fit tidily in my life. All the ramifications of this ran through my head... all the implications... how it would mess with birth order, impact our other children, and potentially impact us. All the warnings we had received about adopting a "3 year old" reared up and shouted at me "Well, these warnings are even more true for a 4 (almost 5) year old! Run! It will be too much trouble!!!"

Then one thought surfaced above the rest... a feather to the brick.

"Can your child really be too old for you?"

Hum..."No. That would be impossible."

I admit, I was 6 months pregnant at the time Allan was born to us, (with his brother mind you...)!
Four months after Allan's birth we had our 3rd child.
Very inconceivable! (Haha)
Yes, impossible!

Yet, God makes the impossible happen. I recall the impossible birth of a baby boy to a laughing gray and wrinkled old woman and the impossible birth of another baby boy to a impoverished teenage girl who didn't even know about the birds and the bees... yet it happened!

And, so has my love for a child I was initially, sort of, afraid of.
It has happened.

I feared...
Would he love me?
Would I be able to mother him?
Would he need me for anything?
Would he let me hold, hug, kiss, cuddle him?
Would he respect me?
Would he love his siblings?
Would he think we took him?
Would he resent the idea of adoption?
Would he really feel like I am his mom?

The answer came a few months ago when I asked him what he knew or remembered about his biological mom... his reply took my breath away. He said...

"I never knew I had another mom..."

He really never knew.

I am really it. To him.

He remembers no one else as "mommy".
That breaks my heart.

Even if he had remembered, he feels me as his mom.
That is a gift to my heart.

Our 3rd day with Allan

He still prefers Daddy to Mommy, but I am cool with that.
He waited a long time for a dad.

Older child adoption is genuine adoption.

Older child adoption is real and for keeps.

Older child adoption is worthy.

Older child adoption is a dream of waiting children.

Older child adoption isn't as scary as it seems.

Older child adoption is God's heart.

Older child adoption is challenging. 

Older child adoption is a delight.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

All these sweet boys have been waiting for FAR too long
for a mom and dad, brothers and sisters to call their own! 

Sweetest Oberon - 6 years old

Richard - 9 years old

Waiting Wednesday Child

Project Oberon and Washington

(((As of 2-20-13 Washington has a family pursuing his adoption!!!! Yippee! Overjoyed! 
His dreams are coming true!!!))))

Ok... so I am adding a child to who I am advocating for... 

Washington

Washington is 11 years old.  

He is deaf and has had limited schooling in his home country.

This is the description from a family that recently spent time with him:

Washington’s personality is very sweet and thoughtful. He is wonderful with younger children and always offering to help without being asked to. He also really wants a family. He carries in his pocket a newspaper picture of a random family that he showed us. Broke my heart not to be able to take him home with us right then. He can write his letters and can show you the sign language for each one, so despite a limited education he seems like a really bright child.

Are you the one to give his boy his dream….turning that random newspaper picture into a real one?

Ok, is that IMPOSSIBLE to read with out putting your whole life into perspective?

Really, that is all he needs, a family.

Our family verse in part is... 1 John 3:16,17

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.  If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?"

Don't forget about sweet Oberon!

Really both Washington and Oberon need a family! 

That is their ONLY special need! 

Let's share their stories and see if there is a family out there for them!

Maybe "orphan care" isn't your thing, or adoption... (I am not even sure it is "my thing")... but it is God's thing.

Let's seek justice for both of these boys who have NO other options!

Project Oberon!

I am sort of partial to 5 or 6 year old boys... they are fun... unending fun!
No pretense and all transparency!
They are noise and dirt and action and admiration!

So this little boy has been on my heart for a few months now.

I've been praying for him and have expected a family to scoop him up any day now... but not one family has even inquired about him! 

Not ONE.

Honestly,  from time to time I ask about children on different waiting lists (call me crazy)... mainly to pray/advocate for them, sometimes because I am personally interested, but there has NEVER been a time that when I asked about them that I didn't find out that another family had/were inquiring about them too. 

That breaks my heart for this boy!
It actually makes me sort of peeved for him!

He is called "Oberon"

From my research his real name (not Oberon) means "Holy Light"!

I love how his big baby blues are taking it all in!

He has been waiting a long time.
I don't know the details but he has most likely been waiting his entire life for a family to call his own.

Oberon has some level of hearing impairment (the information that is known about it is really not helpful or indicates the level of his impairment).

He is described as being...
 "... a sweet, active boy. He likes to play with toys. He is helpful, lively and peaceful, sociable, friendly, outgoing, cheerful and playful."

He sounds like any normal 5 year old boy to me!
It sounds like he is able to interact and communicate to a certain level with those around him... and enjoys doing so.

I have done some research as to what services a child with (unknown and possible) needs like "Oberon" might need and what is available in even small and isolated communities like ours... there are many services available!!! More than I realized!

I contacted this organization: Hands and Voices
With in 24 hours (actually, it was more like 12) I had received a personal email from our states' chapter representative full of information about the services for hearing impaired children in our area, plus the name and email of another family who have a child with similar impairments! She even encouraged me to call her the next day... and she encouraged me that hearing impairment is not nearly as scary as it seems and that there are many ways of treating, living with it and finding common methods of communication! She said many Hands and Voices members have adopted as well.

I bet you are thinking...

"Aw... the Miller's have a new kiddo..."

Or...

"OH MY!... They are doing it again!!! 
They are nuts! We better pray for them!"

Not so hasty... haha!

Here is the deal... we aren't ready to adopt... but this child IS ready to find a family!
All he has done is wait his whole little life! While we aren't ready, that doesn't mean we don't have an opportunity to help him in some way...

Can you join us in helping find his family?

My plan is this: Consider, Share and Pray...

I know God does have a plan for "Oberon"... let's participate in it!

If you would like more information, I can tell you a bit about his nation, how he can be adopted and contacts to organizations/individuals in our home state/town that can help you figure out hearing impairment and its implications.

Currently "Oberon" is being advocated for on Reece's Rainbow.

From Afar

I got an update on sweet Ezra!

He is 2 and a half years old now.

I found out that his tribal name is Baligarhare which means “they come from afar”… how cool is that!?! I wish we had names with meaning like that here.

Our last photo of him almost exactly a year ago is on the side bar...
Very unsure and cautious, but doing well.

Here is his latest photo, just taken yesterday!
My heart be still! Beautiful boy!

The Pastor that oversees his care had this report for us...

“He is doing great and is growing fat. I noticed he has taken long to speak, our nurse will go and examine him and see if it is a normal thing. Our nurse will get him some de-worming medicine as well. He likes eating.”

It gets even better... just look at the love and obvious joy! 

If you want to read Ezra's full story read HERE and HERE

 (or click Ezra under the label to get the long story).

We are praying for Ezra and why he may not be speaking or talking yet. Praying, specifically, that any obstacles are removed and that he communicates his thoughts to those in his life and that they listen. Praying for overall wellness and safety as he is cared for by his aunt and cousin and prayers that he can remain in their care until his adulthood.

We are pretty fortunate to hear how he is... it couldn't be done with out a ministry that seeks to care for children and families in vulnerable places. This ministry has around 85 children/families being served through sponsorship. Out of the 85 only 25 stay at their children's home (orphanage), the rest are in schools locally or boarding schools and are regularly or continually in their biological families care. 

We are thankful for ministries like this one that seek to serve the needs of children and families in some of the most difficult places to bring up children!

::Side Note::
Many people know that both our children from Uganda have living bio family (extended or parental). While this isn't about them... it is. I believe children are made for families, any type that is committed to loving and raising them with their needs in mind. Both biological and adoptive families CAN do that...

Please don't think I am "anti-adoption" or even "against" the adoption of a child with known family members (or even "adoption ethics police"... it is just not me). Much to the opposite, we have been there. We went down that path carefully with our other two children, because it became CLEAR that there was not any other alternatives for them, but adoption. While the decisions to adopt them was made under much weight and evaluation by us, it was ultimately made with their surviving bio family's lone direction and desires.

But, back to Ezra...
Honestly, I hesitated to share Ezra and our involvement with him, because I was really doubtful if "family preservation" would work, particularly in his case, because things looked SO horrible and hopeless.
BUT...
It has worked!

A Ugandan Adoption Story

Can I share a little story with you?

It is a cautionary tale about an adoption that almost happened and how if we had allowed it to proceed, it would have been a huge mistake. Recently there has been a whole lot of buzz in the (adoption) world about families risking and sacrificing all to parent a child that the US governing entities has not allowed them to bring home... while this is horrifying and tragic, and my heart breaks for the adoptive parents dealing with this, there are things that are even worse... Christian families placing the end of  "adoption" above the means of justice. I wanted to share our story, not because we did it all right and perfectly (and not because I want to reprove others who have found themselves in a difficult spot with an ethically compromised referral), but because adoptive families need to understand the great privilege and responsibility they have. One that can, at times, do great injustice instead of great good.

No one, especially potential adoptive parents want to hear about adoptions that don’t work out… but please read this! And please take time to read it all... Thanks!

The Need for Adoption?

It all started exactly two years ago. On January 14^th 2011 we got these photos of a precious baby boy, who was about 4-6 months old. We were smitten from the moment we saw him. Furthermore, we knew he was our son; his name at birth was Ezra… the very name we had planned on naming our next son… we were sure it was God’s plan for him to be ours!

Isn't he amazing!

A pastor who runs a child/family support ministry told us about Ezra and his evident need for adoption. He told us this baby’s aunt had approach him and was no longer willing to care for him due to a violent boyfriend who was basically putting the child’s life at risk. She was seeking out removal and adoption, because she felt like situation was unchangeable. Ezra’s "uncle", (the aunt’s boyfriend) was a drug addict and repeatedly acted in violence to anyone that crossed him. Even the Pastor, who was a local and had grown up in slums, was afraid to go near the home because this man was so violent. Everyone in the home was sick and Ezra was slowly starving, they couldn't get money to feed themselves due to the drug issues that ate up all available resources. It seemed hopeless. Removal from the home and adoption seemed like the best solution. At the time domestic (Ugandan) adoption wasn't a known thing, so it didn't even cross people's minds.

We had several people (about 5 different people) go on different occasions and investigate the situation to confirm the need and lack of options. Everyone who had been involved with helping him and his family had said the same things, "This is the worst situation I have ever seen! Something must happen to help him, or he will die."

This is Ezra with quarter and nickle sized boils on his upper chest,
running a fever and with nothing to eat.

Months went by… the baby was still with the aunt and uncle… I began to wonder if something unethical was taking place. Were they trying to bribe us? Why weren’t they getting him some place safer if the situation was so dire? Was it a stunt to get money/resources from the ministry to get drug money for the Uncle? After a few months of nothing in his situation changing I had an opportunity to go to Uganda and to investigate what was taking place. My whole hope was to clear up whatever ambiguity was present in the situation and personally ensure they were offered options (other than adoption) because I wasn't sure to what extent that was being done in either of our cases.

Some of the things we tried to ensure, or where in the place of processing...

• His aunt was the first to reach out to the Pastor and suggest adoption. 
• No one sought them out, paid them or tried to convince them to "give him up."
• Other options were discussed, including sponsorship of Ezra. He was, in fact, already being supported by the NGO.
• I did not go to see them to try to "talk them into" adoption, in fact, the grandma asked us to visit prior to her leaving the following day. We went to just verify things and offer to support, adoption was a possible solution, but not the end goal.
• Everything was handled rightly, with the desire to respect and help this family and give them every available option.

This trip would forever change how I would view adoption, bio family rights, and child rights to be placed paramount in adoption. The term “orphan care” was redefined in my mind from an adoption based approach to viewing the child through the perspective that they personally have rights: rights to bio family, domestic placement and finally international placement in a family best fit for them. 

How I Learned a Lesson

I landed in country and immediately got a frantic call from the Pastor… “We MUST go NOW to see Ezra…” He took me to meet the aunt and grandma, who had just arrived from a village to check on Ezra. We wound up through shacks and rubbish to a hovel leaning dangerously on the side of a hill. Inside, two kind-eyed women welcomed me. They wore torn tee shirts and a swatch of fabric as a skirt. They were honest and real people, not at all what I imagined. I knew that the aunt must not be too much older than myself. I sat on a chair that had a large lump in the middle and I perched on that lump. I smiled and thought, “I am 100% unprepared for this moment…”

Then they brought Ezra out. Someone asked me later that night what I thought about him, I told them, “He was marvelous! Just wonderful in every way!” He was. He was a baby, like any other, but he was amazing to me! I was in love. He had sores on his body was covered in impetigo. But he was beautiful!

I talked with his aunt and grandma… they both really wanted Ezra to be safe and healthy. Grandma also shared that she felt grieved he wouldn't be able to be involved with his culture, extended family and heritage. I felt that, it saddened me too. I really liked them. They were honest. I could see the difficulty of their situation, but also their love and hope for Ezra. It was also evident that hope was not all lost in their family.

Recently, there had been a shocking turn of events in their family. The abusive/addict uncle had beat up a woman so badly that he had been arrested… horrible, but also a good thing for the aunt and for Ezra. He was gone and the aunt intended to stay away from him now. Hope remained. As they told me this I realized that the WHOLE reason they had sought out adoption was because they feared for Ezra and felt hopeless, but not because they didn’t want to raise him. I knew we must allow them to sort out all these details in their time and with the freedom to make choices for Ezra however they felt best. And for us, that meant walking away and leaving it alone.

The Happy Ending

That night I went back and a dear friend prayed with me for over an hour… mainly that the will of God would be done in Ezra’s little life and that we would respond in obedience and grace with whatever took place. The door closed. All I really wanted for amazing little Ezra was a family who loved him and cared the best they could for him… and he already had that, they just needed support doing it!

During that time we had people advise us we should take Ezra by force, we should bribe them, we should get the law involved, we were told we needed to make a case to them and try to convince them why we would be “a better family” for Ezra. While, that seemed tempting for a moment, we also knew that this wasn’t the reason we were seeking to adopt. I remember thinking very clearly, "Perhaps God had us learn about Ezra NOT to adopt him, but to ensure that his family was given a chance to care for him, with some help. What if another family had be referred him, would they have been willing to "fight for him" to adopt him wrongfully?" I know if I hadn’t met Ezra and his family we wouldn’t have had the perspective that these people were REAL people who had all the love and motivation in the world to raise up their nephew, even if they lacked the resources.

About six months later, while I was back in Uganda bringing home our other kids, through a series of sort of amazing events I literally bumped into the Pastor (in a city with a greater population than my home state, yeah.) He told me the sweet news about what had transpired for Ezra and his family. He said, "It is really a good thing. The aunt was able to not live with her bad husband any longer, he is gone. They are safe now. I look in on Ezra, he is doing better and is growing some. They are glad that you came, because it helped other family members to realize how bad a state they were in, and now the family is helping them... if you had not come, they would never have taken such note of Ezra." God had used us in Ezra's life, but not to adopt him, but to help him maintain his birth family! 

Family Preservation & Adoption

In Uganda (and I assume around the world) there are kids who need to be adopted, but there are some who don’t, yet still reside in orphanages. Some just have complications in their families that need time to resolve themselves. Those families needs to be supported, not torn up and hindered from doing what God has entrusted them to do… raise their child. Unfortunately, often, adoption is what tears up families who just need time and support. 

There is a great misunderstanding that most adoptive families have prior to adoption; adoption solves the problems of poverty.

Poverty doesn’t mean lack of love.

Poverty doesn’t disqualify from parenting.

Poverty does mean others in the family can’t or won’t care for a child.

I was always really curious when I met fellow adoptive parents in Uganda who were adopting children with known mothers and fathers, and siblings. I wondered if adoption really was the last resort for this child, and why... or were they simply adopted because they had been placed in an institution for some time and no one had bothered to seek out other options for them? Furthermore, when an adoptive family adopts a child with known biological family this is not only an injustice to that child and family, but to the child who doesn’t have known or willing family members and doesn't get to be adopted because other children are adopted in their place.

To this day, Ezra lives with his aunt, is cared for, provided medicines, food and in the future schooling via a family preservation sponsorship program. There are many programs in Uganda that promote and protect FAMILY... but not enough. Oddly, instead of promoting, supporting and making more family preservation ministries, donors in the western world are coming over to Uganda (and I assume other African nations) and stacking up more and more unnecessary and poorly run orphanages. While good temporary homes are needed for some children, more need to have their family of origin assisted. We don't need to take kids away from families, we need to support them in keeping their kids!

This is Ezra one year ago.
I love how his aunt is looking at him.

The Front Line Against Wrongful Adoptions… Adoptive Parents

You, adoptive parent, must OWN the adoption you participate in!

You must be on the front line, make hard choices and even walk away from a child you are smitten with because it is the right thing to do for everyone involved!

You must do this on your own and not rely on agencies, baby homes or lawyers to make this call for you and your potential child! You must refuse to work with people and places who are using orphans to fund their lifestyles.

God has called you to family preservation just as much as He has called you to adoption. They go hand in hand.

We are so thankful to have seen such a perfect case right before our very eyes of what families CAN do, despite all odds to care for and protect their children... when we step back and give them the chance and tools to do it!

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Resources for Family Preservation and Sponsorship Programs 

That Support Children In Their Families:

Compassion Mother and Child Program 

Family Preservation in Uganda 

Action for Children Uganda 

Abide Family Center 
Child's i Foundation

Bring Them Home 

Mercy Childcare

A Child’s Voice

Zion Project