Tears Well ~ 4 Years Family!

Today marks a BIG day in our family!

I've often wondered what things would be like on this day.

How would "we" be?

Would we still worry or wonder?

We we all feel "at home"? 

Today marks the momentous day that Allan has been our son longer than he was not...

1460 days of being mama to this boy!

My heart breaks and hurts and reels when I remember this day. Oh, how horrible and wonderful it all was. I see his chubby face and tears well.

35063 hours of sonship, brotherhood and family.

Then I see him, like today, looking through an open door, saying "Maaah... can I have lemonade?" and he looks so big, so almost-nine and all-boy and saying my name in the way only he says it. I see his big boy face and tears well.

I can't express how good it feels. 

It is natural. It is honest. It is family.

I know it isn't the wish I'd give to my son, adoption that is, but it is what it is and its been good.

His name means precious. And he is. He is so so precious to me.

Thank you Jesus for letting me be his mama!

Dear New Mama,

I heard you say the other day something to this effect, "I can't even get my laundry done, and I only have one baby ... I have no idea how you do it with six children!"  You said it with a defeated, shame-filled tone and my heart hurt for you because I remember feeling the same exact way 5 children ago.

First of all, who says I get my laundry done? Laundry is never done... not when you have 1 or 2 children and definitely not when you have 6! Now that that is cleared up, we can move on.

I get what you are saying, however, I use to say the same thing to my friends who had more children. Then I had 3 children, and then 5 and then 6, and I realized a simple fact of life...

Life as a mama always has its challenges... but it also always has its beauty and joys!

You see, it doesn't work like we'd assume... that once you've had 3 or 4 or 6 that one day it just gets easier and you've got it made, you'll figure out the secrets of mothering, managing a home or doing all things related to this season of life. On the other hand, it also doesn't work (as some might assume) that the more children you have the harder it gets. It's based less on numbers and more on personal capacities growing and changing...

We all start somewhere.

For starters, when I had our 1st baby it was even more challenging to me than it has been to add our 6th baby. It was more challenging because my perception and the level of my capabilities were being radically changed in life-altering ways! You know how it is, life literally changed overnight! Motherhood has a initial steep learning curve.

As each of our children joined our family it wasn't that steep of a curve, but with each and every addition I was pushed to a new maximum functioning capacity. I was able to have 2 children because I had had 1 previously. I was able to have 3 because I had had 2, and so on. Basically, our current abilities are to some degree built upon our previous experiences.

Today, I am very much at the same emotional and functional capacity level I was at 10 years ago when I had my 1st child in that I am still functioning at my own maximum capacity. While it has broadened in scope and capacity, it is still the farthest my scope has ever reached ... just like you are with your one or two. We are very much in the same place, you and I.


For sure, since then, I've learned a whole lot!

I've learned that if you let Cream of Wheat dry on a high chair tray it will be there the day Jesus returns for us, so scrub it off immediately after breakfast!

I've learned that you can just flat out ignore that drawer under you oven... it doesn't exist and no one will open it (not even your husband) and you can worry about other more important things like finding all the possible hidden choking hazards in your home or if your baby's head is the correct size or not.

I've learned that sometimes it is better to spend your day holding a fussy or sick baby than doing anything else, because that day is only given to you once and babies grow far too quickly!

I even have managed to learn how to not let our laundry literally bury us alive ... unless: a) we have the stomach flu or any other illness,  b) we've returned from a trip, or c) it is a national holiday. I hope one day to learn to manage it even under those variables.

Perhaps most importantly, I've learned that this whole mothering gig isn't entirely up to me. My days as a mother are crafted by One who knows my abilities, seeks to grow me into someone more like Christ and also hand picked all my children for me specifically to mother. And while I am still at my farthest scope of abilities after a while I have begun to see the fruit of my labor... little by little.

Mama of 2 with #3 on the way ...
Three littles in 3 and a half years was challenging!

Additionally, I've discovered that no matter how much I learn given my previous experiences, children are always growing, enter new phases, changing and things are always new and contain challenges of their own. Life as a mama isn't formulaic. What worked with one child may not with the next. What use to work with one child will fail to work as they grow and mature. We must grow and change right along side our children. We don't "get it all figured out" one magical day just because we've tried really hard to crack the parenting code by reading enough books, feeding them the right food, training them the prefect way. It just doesn't work like that.

Realize when you feel tempted to think, "I should be doing better because, that other mom is doing better than me with her 5 or 6 children..."  kind of thoughts, that that doesn't serve either of us well. When we make comparisons like this, we do so by giving ourselves the short end of the stick and bestowing much more grace on others than is realistic.

What I try to remember is that the struggles I face today are just part of this particular season as a mother. Seasons change, with them we grow, they grow and things mercifully change. It won't always be "this hard" or even "like this". Things will change and when they do things will simply be different.

Our short (4 week) period of time as a family with 4 children!

When I struggle the most it is usually because my expectations and desires are incongruent with the reality around me.

My messy house grates on my expectations of order, beauty and perfect functioning.
My crabby, sassy, disobedient children expose my irritable, snarky and sinful self.
My plan for today, to accomplish x, y and z, is derailed and exposed as unrealistic by the reality of the urgent that unfolds around me.

Expectations (particularly unrealistic ones) don't help us mamas.
In fact, they can be our true nemesis! They tend to wear us down. They make us feel defeated and incompetent.
Much like "worry" they don't accomplish anything of true worth. They tempt us to look at the 10 things we have to do in a given day with defeat and irritation instead of doing the one next thing well and with love.
They most often simply deceive us from our real God-given purposes and they rob us of the joy of participating in the beauty that is present in the reality around us!

Much of motherhood is about surrender. Giving up and laying down of self.
In laying down of my personally imposed expectations I've found I feel a whole lot lighter, more free and able to do the things that have been placed before me with more grace and love.

My meditation of mothering has become, 

"Do the next thing and do it with love."

Wow, that mama sure looks like she's got it all together...
Sometimes I wish I could be that lady.

I fail most days, many times a day at this, but going to God in my brokenness and asking for help makes it not only possible, but beautiful!

I remember this verse when I feel defeat creeping up on me, 

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, 

for in due season we will reap, 

if we do not give up.

So then, as we have opportunity, 

let us do good to everyone..." ~ Galatians 6:9-10

So, new mama ... know that we are so very much alike!

We are both doing big things, working hard and loving the people God has given us.
We are pushed to our own maximum every single day.
We need God's help and we need each other.

Thanks for walking this road with me!

Thea Agnes ~ 3 Years Home

It sort of seems like a dream. 

The whole story of how she came to us.

How it all fell together.

How we wondered.

How we left our hands open.

How they were filled.

How we landed at home and became a family.

There are days I remember that it wasn't always this way... 

So thankful we are home.

We are together.

God is making things beautiful in His time.

Thea's Forever Family Day ~ Two Years

I don't even know what to say any more...
Honestly, I can't remember what it was like to not have Thea part of our family.
I know I haven't always been, that hard and beautiful reality is still felt quite keenly.

I am pretty sure I am "just" her mom now.

Just mom is always there. The just mom is consistent and sure of. You can know just mom will wipe your dirty little bum 15 times in one day because you space out your poop to cause the most possible mess... because we know mom will keep cleaning it up, and just in case we forgot she was just our mom, we now know she is. A just mom is expected to sing to you every night and do your hair up pretty and take you to go see it in the mirror. She always does those things.

Dad too. We know he is going to give us whiskery kisses. We know we can say good bye and he will be back for lunch in no time. We know he isn't a push over and we listen to him a tad better than to mom. We know he is fun and exciting and a little cooler than mom... because, well, he makes everything good. We know that he is dad and dads don't leave.

A just mom is mistreated and loved all in the same day. 
A dad is a dad who is there even when he isn't.

Recently, we all watched the old Disney Peter Pan. I reminded two of my big kids to try and not suck their thumbs ("because that is only for bedtime"). Thea listened and tried to not suck her thumb too. A few moments later her satiny smooth cool hand was on my cheek. Softly, smoothly patting. I felt loved by her intentionally. It was good.

Then speaking, "Mom. Cora suck her fumb!"

I realized her soft touch of "love" was only to be informant on her big sister. Taddles.
Oh well.

While the song "Mother" crooned on the TV I did dishes and Thea was held by her big sister, but when I sat down she scrambled into my lap. 

Her be-puffed hair with curls the size of a pen spring, blocked my view and got stuck in my eyelashes. It is annoyingly sweet. A trivial peeve. Puffs pushed down, brushed aside, back in my eyes again with out delay. 

Baby the Lamb and Blanky joined us. Sleepy breathing.

When I put her to bed we played "Kiss... Hug... Kiss... Hug..."
She starts the simple game. It gives me joy.

She asks in a request, "Hey mom. What a yittle girls made of?" and I dutifully sing a croaky and substandard rendition and don't skip the special personalized verse... Even if I could. I know that one unknown day she will ask the very last time of me, "What are little girls made of?" So I sing for her...

"Go to sleepy bi-low Thea.

Go to nighty-night now Thea.

Mama loves you.

And Daddy does too!

You're our little sugar Bee-ya!"

(I know, I am a rhyming genius of the likes of Shakespeare and master soother of all things infantile.)

I know I am just her mom now... and I am so thankful to be just that. 

All the really real moms are overlooked. 

We are two years home.
We are together.
I can't say much more than that.

Two Years of Family

Two years!
Two years ago we received the blessing of a son!
That was a day that changed us all.

Allan has slowly changed from a very afraid and timid little boy into a boy with intense joy and silliness. He can be one of the loudest children I have ever heard one moment and the quietest in the next. There are times we go out into an unfamiliar setting and he steps back into "Timid Allan." When Allan does this he will be a very perfect, respectful, Ugandan child... not look in adults eyes, hardly speak or voice his words and be very quiet and "not seen". Basically, he looks fearful.

He does a wonderful job being respectful by Ugandan standards... but not so by American, because not looking in peoples eyes, not voicing your words and being afraid acting is not exactly normal behavior for a 6 year old in America. Some times I want to say, "Buddy, just please act normal... Mommy is afraid people will think we are mean to you if you act like that!"  Internal cringe!

I often wonder what he is thinking and feeling and why he reverts back to that. It makes me really sad when I see that boy again, I start to second guess all our progress/bonding/attachment. I think I have "missed something" and messing up being a mom to him... because surely he wouldn't still be doing that if he felt safe, at home and bonded to me! Adoption has away of stripping away everything a parent thinks they know and replacing it with doubt and despondency. Hurt is real. Trauma is terrorizing. Love seems to be weak and ineffective at making genuine changes or healing real hurts.

One day I saw something that restored my hope and changed my perspective. We were at a strange place and an adult started talking to him and he became "Timid Allan" again... He looked all timid to the stranger then he looked at me with twinkly eyes and a grin that seem to say, "I am being a very good boy for you mom! See." Then right away again he was "Timid Allan." Then he ran off playing with his brother and "Timid Allan" was dropped like a suit he took off. "Timid Allan" isn't Allan, it is just the best way he knows how to behave for strangers.

Recently I started talking to Allan (and all the kids) about "Love Languages"... that we all have one that we like to be loved with most and that we need to see how others around us like to be loved and to give them that kind of love. Allan was trying to love me, to serve me through the way he knows how and how he was taught by his good grandma for so many years! I sort of laughed last time I saw "Timid Allan," I realized some habits die hard... but love never fails!

Sometimes we just have to speak a different language to understand some dialects of Love!

A few months ago I realized Allan had started being comfortable kissing me, not a skill he came home knowing how to do or feel comfortable with. We ignored his very awkward hugs and kisses for a long time. We also had some 101 Classes on how to pucker up and smack a good one on someone else! It usually ended with giggles and tickles. We are pretty sure he never kissed or saw people kiss before.

A few weeks ago at bed time I forgot to kiss Allan good night, he said in the most demanding way Allan can be (which is really not demanding at all... more of a suggestion), "Mom! You forgot to kiss me!" I stopped dead in my tracks and nearly tripped in my attempt to put on the brakes, "Say what?!? Wow. So sorry! Mommy doesn't want to miss her kiss from Allanee!!!"

It was seriously one of the best things I have ever heard him say... he wanted to KISS me? He wanted to kiss his mama!!! He wanted connection and affection and was demanding it. That boy got some kisses and I went to bed a very happy mama that night!

Amazingly sweet things are happening... demandingness... asking for kisses... saying brother is our best friend... telling others off... using our words to share our feelings... giving hugs for no reason at all... being sad about leaving grandparents... realizing we need each other... being at home with one another.

That is what family is...

Demanding what you want from each other 

and loving each other the best you can!

Well, at least that is the season we are in and I am so thankful to be demanded of and loved even in the Ugandan way!

Happiest Forever Family Day Allanee,

We are all better at loving because of you!

Thinking on Adoption Ethics

Things are all in an uproar over the "E" word... ethics.
There has been some good and hard things being said "out there" recently... (and I am not even on Facebook any more!)

I have, by in large, really enjoyed hearing many people's stances and thoughts on this very heated subject. But, sometimes it is really wrankling... on both sides of the ring!

I am going to be totally honest here.

I don't like to be a fence sitter, but in this topic, I am. Mainly because I can't find a spot on either side that really fits my personal observations, experiences and thoughts.  Both sides make me uncomfortable... there I said it!

When I wrote my story about Ezra it wasn't to shame people for adopting a child with known family... and yes, I did get several emails and messages that stated something to that effect. Sadly. I think some missed the point.

I wrote it because in Ezra's case his FAMILY needed advocacy... not adoption... to solve the issues they were dealing with. My point was that we need to deal rightly/justly with all children we are referred or come in contact with and to ensure that International Adoption remains the last resort for children in poverty. Why make it an unnecessary first action, (like it would have been for Ezra)? Too often that's what's being done in International Adoption. Wonderful things like sponsorship/family preservation and even domestic adoption should be sought out... not because IA is "bad" but because it is clearly in the child's best interest to explore those other options first! International adoption should not be considered bad, evil or inherently unethical. Nor should IA be considered the best choice, the first alternative and based upon adoptive families wants or desires.

“Adoption is acceptable when appropriate for the child,

not when it is the desire of the adoptive family.”

- Bert Ballard

The 2 Stances
But, here is what I am seeing... there are often two stances... somewhat polar in their views that keep coming to fight it out in the ring of adoption/ethical issues.  I am personally drawn to both sides of the argument and recently I was wondering why that was true. I questioned... "Could both be right... at least in part?" It was then I realized that the loudest people are often those most entrenched in their stance and that both stances at times (in their most extreme positions) seem to forget one main thing.

The child.

Extreme stances naturally tend to leave out the most important part. Both enter the ring caring about the child and then seem to lose sight of the real reason they entered it and tend to focus on lesser things.
That is sad.

I have seen first hand that the "pro-adoption" side is very guilty of throwing in the towel and calling it "all good" because at least the child was adopted and now has a family, despite the fact that they may have already had a bio family who could have been capable of being a solution with a modicum of help. No real solution there because justice is not upheld or ensured for child and family.

Similarly, the "anti-adoption"side tends to throw out the baby (with the ethical bathwater) and call it "all good" because, at least, a potentially unethical adoption was avoided, despite the fact that many children have NO other option but adoption (domestic or international). Again, no real solutions because personal justice for the child wasn't provided.

When we fail to take the needs of the ONE into account we both fail, it doesn't matter what side of the ring we are on and how much we think we are right on our side.

Lets not forget that ethics need to be ethics centered on the child... their right to a family... and not to languish in an institutionalized setting. Family is always in the best interest of the child.

Lets not forget that adoption needs to be adoption centered on the child... one that upholds and supports their bio family at high costs, seeks to place them with a domestic family first and leaves International Adoption as a last resort. Family in this order is in the child's best interest.

Ethics and adoption are not in opposition to each other.
In fact, they are partners in upholding the justice of the child.

When both are combined where do we end up?
Sort of in the middle... together. 
Gasp!
Uh-huh.

Give Grace
When we make our position about not being against something but for something it helps others be more open minded about our stance. It is like pointing to the solution instead of pointing at a person and blaming.

This whole topic and participation in helping others (of any kind) is really really difficult with an extremely steep learning curve. Grace needs to be extended to all involved: adopters, adoptees, those working in the field of family preservation or domestic programs in various nations. We are all learning and changing our views. I am not who I was 3 or 4 years ago, pre-adoption. We must give grace, be patient with those who are less informed or still undecided on this issue. We must simply do our best to uphold the Gospel and justice and to gently help others understand what is at stake... the child's rights to justice and family. Forget the differing methods to accomplish this, those are disputable matters (Romans 14:1 "As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions.")
Remember the child and help others to too!

As I was thinking about ethics recently I took some of my more raw thoughts to my husband who helps me make sense of all the non-sense. One thing he said stuck with me, he said...

"Marce, remember way back when, when we first wanted to adopt? What was the main things you and I both thought about the most? It was, children belong in families. I don't think adoption solves that problem for all kids, because they may already have a family, but for some it clearly is a very good solution! I don't think I have ever been an 'adoption advocate'... I just believe in families."

Heck yeah! I am married to that man! He is so spot on it makes me want to punch the air.

I end with this... My stance.

I believe in families!

Will you join me?

A double orphan... living in a "slum"... being raised by biological family!

Adoption not needed.

God's glory on display!

Sick Kids Here and There and How I am Humbled

A few weeks ago we had a house full of sick children. Fevers, coughs, colds, aches and sleepless nights. It was about all I had to not dissolve into self-pity at how it was all destroying my plans and sleep needs. I was "suffering" because life was hard.

Truth be told, if I had to raise a child in someplace other than the western world I would probably stink big time at keeping them well and personally not going mad trying to keep them alive. Sad truth. SO many woman try and succeed at this very impossible task! Humility. What amazing women! I wish I could give them all a day or a week or month off of that stressful and weighty task, some how.

During the depths of my self-drama over my "sick" kids, I got an email from our contact at the ministry that oversees Ezra's care. It all reminded me how lucky/blessed we are to live in a place where very few children run the risk of dying of preventable things under the age of 5, but nearly 1 in 10 do in Uganda.

We got his picture of Ezra looking sick and extremely thin! 

He was running a dangerously high fever and malaria was suspected.

I was alarmed because just a few months prior he looked fat, happy and healthy. Honestly I had to double check they had sent the right photo and that this wasn't some other kid. But it was him.

The ministry nurse and social worker decided to take him to a pediatrician that day, where he had a blood test that found he had no malaria in his blood, but a very serious bacterial infection (which was exactly what Thea had the first week I had her in my care, it was scary stuff... one of her orphanage mates died of it 3 days after we arrived... it was horrible!) They got him on antibiotics, daily injections of something to help him and they also got a month worth of milk that his aunt could pick up for him daily at a local milk supplier.

Yesterday I got this update photo... He has gained weight and is already looking so much better! 

He had taken his last dose of the anti-biotic that morning, and the nurse said that his aunt had been very careful to follow all the instructions and to cooperate with the doctor's orders. Yay Aunty! Yay family! I am filled with hope and pride today... I am so proud that this family is surviving... and thriving! Best of all, I love how Ezra is cuddled up on his aunty's shoulder. He is loved and is giving love! He has never spent one day of his life in an orphanage and he is being cared for by people who take personal responsibility for his needs!

Families CAN care for their children... even when it seems very very challenging!


~Post Script~
Very interestingly, two years ago tomorrow was when I held Ezra and heard his family's story... we surrendered the idea that adoption was the only solution and moved forward with the task of keeping Ezra in his loving family, despite his double "orphan status" and his legitimately risky circumstances in life.

God is good!

Our Method to Going Out and Staying Sane

Today we went to W@lmart... all of them and just lil' ol' me.

I don't love doing that, but then again it isn't torture either.
We go, do it and get done.

Today at W@lmart we heard a little boy giving his poor dad a run for it, he was yelling for all the world to hear "I-WANN-IT! I-WANN-IT! I-WANN-IT!!!!" All of my children usually gawk in awe at such displays... ((I think, wondering what is going to happen to the screaming child.))

Today I said, "Maybe we should pray for that daddy. He is having a really hard time and so is his little boy." After our quick prayer, Thea (barely two) said, "Mom! Dat baby fits!" I agreed with her astute observation and thought internally about how that use to be me, the parent with the screaming child, that is!

Oh, yeah!
I have had babies and toddlers lose it under the demonizing neon lights of W@lmart...

I have had to take many a toddler out of a church service doing the flip flop fit with scornful pious eyes following me and my little heathen all the way down the aisles...

I have had to excuse myself from multiple conversations or play dates due to behavior that was issuing forth from Hades or Sheol...

 

We have had our many moments of "wailing and gnashing of teeth!"
Days of being hermits on our solitary hill... afraid to go out in the world!
And that was just me... not my children...

That was before "THE METHOD" came to me!

Shhhhhhh!!!

(((Please keep it to yourself... 

My children use to act like that too... 

but now they (typically) don't! 

I am going to let you in on a little secret... 

I have a plan and it seems to work!)))

First and Foremost... Training

If you were hired for a new job and you showed up for your first day and you sat there waiting for your boss to show up and show you how to do your job, so logically you spent your time taking instagram photos of your new desk and view. Then out of the blue your boss came charging in and started yelling at you and threatening to dock your pay because you weren't doing your job correctly how would you feel?

Probably mad and incredulous... right?

It is your boss' job to train you. You can't do what is expected of you until you are taught how to do it. How dare they be mad and yell at you when you don't know what it is you ought to do!   

Similarly, I think it is equally unfair to a child when we expect them to know what to do and how to behave when we have never taught/trained them the right and acceptable way to act in different situations. They are just doing what their little nature tells them to do.



The Method... of Undoing the Madness!

So here is the little secret... Preparation!
Anticipate the issues that will come and teach your child what you expect them to do in it! Before we go anywhere (nearly every time) we have a little "briefing" usually on the car ride or eye to eye in the car just before we go into the situation.

This briefing includes the following ideas:
1. Where we are going.
2. What we will likely do.
3. How I expect them to act while there.
4. Issues that might arise (ie how other children may act or situational issues that might arise).
5. What will happen if they don't obey. Or what will happen if they do obey.


This briefing is HIGHLY helpful for safety, unity and overall happiness of all involved!
~ It helps distill fears (particularly of adopted children) and helps our children know what to expect and what is expected of them.
~ It also sets them up for success and also holds them accountable.
~ It reminds me of what I need to be aware of as a parent in the situation.
~ It is training my children how to think and act independent of me and to make personal choices on their actions and attitudes.

The greatest benefit to The Method is that I am not having to swoop in like a "helicopter parent" and rescue or shoot them down (yell at them) every time they don't know what to do or do something wrong. They, in theory, know what to do... and if they mess up or forget then I can take them aside are remind them or correct them.

Applying "The Method" to Specific Places

The Method can be applied to nearly every situation a family goes into... Play dates, Church, Outings, Theme Parks, Bible Studies, School... you name it, you can make it apply!

For example...

Play Date Guidelines (Someone Else's Home)

1. Where we are going... Someone Else's Home... (enter name.) Explain to them how we know them (if it isn't obvious).

2. What we will likely do... We will play with them and with their toys.

3. How I expect them to act while there... You will be expected to:

- Be calm, quiet and self controlled.

- Be loving and sweet to others.

- Do not get out things and do not ask for things (like food). 

- Stay where mom can see you, unless we agree to something else.

4. Issues that might arise... 

- It doesn't matter how anyone else acts or wants you to act, act in a self-governing (controlled) way that honors God and others.

- If others are being mean or not obeying general rules don't tattle on them, first tell/ask them to do what is right. If they don't, come tell mom and she will see what needs to be done.

- When mom says "Time to go" quickly get ready to go with a happy heart.

5. What will happen if they don't obey. Or what will happen if they do obey... If you can't obey I will make you sit by me during the play date and you will miss out on the fun (or we will have to leave early). How sad that would be!

(For play dates in our home)... I take out "Do not get things out and ask for things" and put in "Give preference to others and be a generous host" this also goes for places like the park... I hope my children will not get all worked up when others "cut in" and just let them go with a "no sweat" kind of attitude or implore them to follow the general rule of taking turns. I also usually throw in there the rule "Have as much fun as you possibly can!!!" Just so my kids don't think I am an old ninny.)

Three 6 year old boys who enjoyed a very uneventful,
self-governed and fun-filled play date on a rainy day inside!

Store, Outing and Appointment Guidelines:

1. Where we are going... We are going to W@lmart.

2. What we will likely do... We are going to shop for some items Mommy needs for our home... not toys or candy today.

3. How I expect them to act while there... While we shop I need your help! Addie you will walk and hold Allan's hand, behind the cart. Elias you will walk holding on to the side of the cart. Cora you will ride in the basket or walk by the cart. Thea you will be on mommy's back in the carrier. 

- We will be quiet and self-controlled.

- You will stay close to mom and not wander off.

- You will not demand anything.

4. Issues that might arise... If you have to go potty will you please tell mommy when we pass by it?

5. What will happen if they don't obey. Or what will happen if they do obey... If you can't obey mommy will be forced to leave all our food and take you out to the car and discipline you... that would be really sad because we'd have to start all over again and if you had been good we could share an orange or cheese sticks when we are done. (See, side note #3 below about bribery vs. reward).

Theme Park Guidelines... NOT even joking I did this before we went to Snisneyland

1. Where we are going.... SNISNEYLANDDDDD!!! (Rock on!)

2. What we will likely do.... EVERYTHING YOUR LITTLE HEART DESIRES!!!!

3. How I expect them to act while there... 

- Stay by mom and dad and don't get lost! Stick together!

- Don't be demanding... it will make the day stink!

- Eat lots of sugar!

- Have endless fun and don't be "that" bratty child! (I didn't say that last part)

- Our family rules apply even in Snisneyland!

4. Issues that might arise... Sometimes it is easy to get lost in crowds. If that happens, find another mom with a child... and stay where we last saw you! 

5. What will happen if they don't obey. Or what will happen if they do obey.... On days like this I don't even have to "go there" with my kids... it just doesn't happen. They know what will happen if they pitched a fit over cotton candy. Simply... no cotton candy! But they already know it is our heart's desire TO give it to them if it is ok.

This is what happens when you are naughty at Snisneyland!

Some Things to Consider
The METHOD works... but only because our children already know the following to be true:

- When mom/dad says something they mean it... they will be corrected and disciplined later or in private. We define obedience as "done immediately, done when no one is looking and done with a happy attitude." They know this little fact about life. If they didn't, The Method would likely NOT work. Sad, but true.

- Our standards are the same in our home as they are in a friend's house or in a store. We don't have different sets of expectations in front of people. We try not to have hypocritical or unreasonable expectations. Screaming is a "no" in our home... thus it is a "no" anywhere else we would go.

- Our REAL goal is to help them see their sin is proof of their need for a Savior and of grace. Rules or "law" is only able to do two things: be good for society and show us we can't keep it without help. We correct their hearts and their external sin for one reason... because it leads them to need Jesus more and more! We teach them "law" so they are drawn to the Gospel that fulfills the Law!

Just think on it.
It is pay me now or pay me later.

Side Note #1: I call them "Guidelines" or "The Method" not "rules". To me "rules" are things like the 10 Commandments; if you break them you are transgressing God's Law. However, if you don't follow "Mom's Guidelines" you are breaking the Rule "Obey your parents as the Lord". But the "guidelines" are not mandates from God... and I want my kids to know the difference and that our family guidelines are not rules we need to be prideful about or more importantly they are not things we should impose upon others. Family rules/guidelines ought not make us self-righteous.

Side Note #2: In situations when another child is asking my child to do something they know we wouldn't like I tell them to say either, "I can't do that." or "I don't want to do that." Then that they should come up with another option like... "I can't (don't want) to run around the church, do you want to sit and play tic-tac-toe or play 'thumb war' with me?" It maintains their self-respect while allowing them to still interact and have fun, but not disobey.

Side Note #3: We never give candy or toys for behavior our children are expected to have... that is bribery and once someone is bribed to do the job they are capable of doing they expect that costly fee again and again! I am known to graciously give a reward of a healthy snack for all hard work and energy they lost in being so good and self-controlled... which I think it can be exceptionally "draining" for a little child. I think if you are saying "Do this and I will give you such-and-such..." That is bribery. If you say "Do this, please." Then after say, "I bet you are SO tired and famished from being such a self-controlled little girl... you need a snack!" That is reward for a job well done!


So that is my little back pocket secret for going out with my children.
I don't even need to go through the whole METHOD any more. All I have to do is say, "Hey, we are going in to W@lmart... What does mom expect?" And they tell me what I expect... it pretty much rocks!


Remember... it is Simple
Prep your children BEFORE you go any place.
Mean what you say and mean it everywhere.
Follow through with appropriate and meaningful consequences.


Happy Outings!

Making a Life Book for Baby

Life books are similar to a traditional baby book or scrapbook, the difference is that the purpose is to explain and timeline past events to give clarity and truth to a child who has come home through adoption.

Imagine if you were adopted... you knew your new mom and dad loved you dearly... but before that you have absolutely no clue what took place in your life!

What happened to your birth parents?
What happened to you that brought about the need for adoption?
How did you end up being adopted by your family?

The Life Book intends to answer these questions in a way a child can understand and to provide them increasing facts as they grow up. For this reason I began to think that especially our youngest child needed a few different life books to help her understand who she is... the first being very simple and very age appropriate for a toddler or preschooler.

For Christmas I made Thea a life book that is for her first few years.

It is a board book. 

It covers the concept of adoption, but not a whole lot more.

It covers how she was born into our family and her most basic personal life history.

How to Make a Personalized Baby Board Life Book...

Step 1 - I ordered a blank board book online from Barebooks.com
I ordered both the 5x5 and the 8x6, but ended up using the 8x6 because it offered more room.

Step 2 - I wrote out the content I wanted to have explained to Thea for the rest of her pre-school life about how she came to be adopted and a part of our family. Make sure to be factual, realistic and also simple and age appropriate. You can put feelings you are sure your child felt, like fear or sadness... or also that he/she felt loved by important people you know expressed and showed love.
I made sure to include as much age-appropriate facts as possible:
- where he/she was born
- when (or approximate)
- how he/she was found or where they were abandoned
- why bio family chose adoption
- where he/she lived after abandonment
- how he/she likely felt
- special people who cared for him/her
- when adoption took place and how
- how the adoptive family wanted and needed him/her

Step 3 - Figure out how to put all these facts on the pages you have... I had 9 pages to use so I divided the main thoughts between them. I did two double spreads on pages 4 and 5 and 8 and 9... where the illustrations and words take up both pages. My ideas and pages worked out like this...
Page 1 - Intro to her life, where she was born, when.
Page 2 - How she was grown and birthed by her birth mom and her decision to not parent.
Page 3 - Her life in the baby home.
Page 4 and 5 - Our family's desire to grow and that we felt we were missing someone.
Page 6 - Mommy comes to get her.
Page 7 - Thea and mommy bond.
Page 8 and 9 - Our family together forever.

Step 4 - I cut out pages of printer paper the same size as my book and made a sample book.  I drew my illustrations and made sure to leave room for the text at the bottom or top of the pages and made it look how I wanted on the sample pages. (Sorry, I threw them away, but basically I made a sample book and drew it all out prior to actually drawing it on the board book).

Step 5 - Board books are great because you can place the sample drawings over the top of the board book and trace them with a dull pencil... it leaves an indention in the board book that you can see just well enough to go back and outline and color in, sort of like coloring a coloring book, but you have faint indentions instead of lines!

Step 6 - Trace the indentions with black fine point sharpie markers. Then color in the white with fat/regular sharpies of any color. Remember that leaving a little white is a nice added depth, you don't have to color it all in. I found one set of sharpie markers that had a wide range in skin tones! I would plan on getting 1 fine point black marker and about a dozen other colors that are the fat kind, with at least a peach skin tone and a brown or light brown skin tone. I used the light brown for skin and the dark brown for hair.

Step 7 - Trace lines to write your text on if you need the guidelines to keep it straight and level. Put a piece of paper down and use a ruler to mark the line on top of the board book, so that you aren't actually drawing a line on your board book, it will leave an indention you can see close enough to write on.

Step 8 - Read it to your baby! This isn't a book we keep sitting in the toy bin... it stays up on a dresser and every night when I put Thea to bed she points to it and says, "Rock rock?" and I rock her and read her the story about how God placed her in our family! She is learning more and I know one day it will give us the chance to talk about things in a personal way!

The Stork A-Bomb: Older Child Adoption

I have written and re-written this post over again ... for about 18 months now.
(I'm not even joking about that!)

I've been trying to grasp the honest delightful and challenging aspects of "older child adoption", but I struggle to make the words come as they ought. I keep getting caught up in lesser things.

Perhaps, this is because I can't be judicious to PAPs (potential adoptive parents) while still being judicious to children?

The thing is, God may plan to give you a rolly baby or toddler, but then again I have come to realize adoption isn't about getting adoptive parents what they want. Adoption isn't about mail ordering a baby with latte skin and ringlets that aren't too tight and one that doesn't wake at night.

Adoption is about making an orphan a son.
That, can't be designed by little human minds.
That is the Stork A-Bomb... Older child adoption!

When we became children of God it wasn't based upon our age, our looks, our location, or our temperament. It had nothing at all to do with us. It had all to do with what He did and to bring Himself the greatest amount of glory... and about the beautiful fact that He shares that glory with us!

"For if, while we were God’s enemies,we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." (Romans 5:10-11)

We are never "aged out" of the ability to become son's of God. We are never cast off or over looked because we are less likely to be able to adjust to family life or change or to be loveable. We were made to participate in hope, freedom, liberation, and glory because of His gift of grace.

Call me an idealist, but there are children of all ages who were made for these things too. Yet in the very literal sense of these words, are not able to participate in it, and much more... namely, family, belonging and love, just because they are "older".

To be honest, older child adoption scared me stiff and wasn't what "I wanted." I didn't want to sign up for all that it would require. But, mercifully, it fell in our lap, in the form of a sweet 4 year old baby boy!

He was considered by all current evaluations as an "older child" (a.k.a. "non-infant adoption") or anyone over the age of 3 years old. Most people warned us that he would already have a set temperament or character, or that he would have trouble adjusting to our family and values. We were also told that he had the potential to ruin the lives of our biological children... or our lives too!!!

While we knew all of that could very well be true, we also knew God is in the business of restoration, hope, freedom and glory (among other things).

We were told he had just turned 3. Then I met him and I found out our "just-turned-3-year-old" would be nearly 5 when we got him home (by an innocent mistake with math.)

FIVE.

When I heard the words "He is making five" it was like a brick dropped on my heart. That is a big boy... not the baby or toddler I felt was safe and comfortable and fit tidily in my life. All the ramifications of this ran through my head... all the implications... how it would mess with birth order, impact our other children, and potentially impact us. All the warnings we had received about adopting a "3 year old" reared up and shouted at me "Well, these warnings are even more true for a 4 (almost 5) year old! Run! It will be too much trouble!!!"

Then one thought surfaced above the rest... a feather to the brick.

"Can your child really be too old for you?"

Hum..."No. That would be impossible."

I admit, I was 6 months pregnant at the time Allan was born to us, (with his brother mind you...)!
Four months after Allan's birth we had our 3rd child.
Very inconceivable! (Haha)
Yes, impossible!

Yet, God makes the impossible happen. I recall the impossible birth of a baby boy to a laughing gray and wrinkled old woman and the impossible birth of another baby boy to a impoverished teenage girl who didn't even know about the birds and the bees... yet it happened!

And, so has my love for a child I was initially, sort of, afraid of.
It has happened.

I feared...
Would he love me?
Would I be able to mother him?
Would he need me for anything?
Would he let me hold, hug, kiss, cuddle him?
Would he respect me?
Would he love his siblings?
Would he think we took him?
Would he resent the idea of adoption?
Would he really feel like I am his mom?

The answer came a few months ago when I asked him what he knew or remembered about his biological mom... his reply took my breath away. He said...

"I never knew I had another mom..."

He really never knew.

I am really it. To him.

He remembers no one else as "mommy".
That breaks my heart.

Even if he had remembered, he feels me as his mom.
That is a gift to my heart.

Our 3rd day with Allan

He still prefers Daddy to Mommy, but I am cool with that.
He waited a long time for a dad.

Older child adoption is genuine adoption.

Older child adoption is real and for keeps.

Older child adoption is worthy.

Older child adoption is a dream of waiting children.

Older child adoption isn't as scary as it seems.

Older child adoption is God's heart.

Older child adoption is challenging. 

Older child adoption is a delight.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

All these sweet boys have been waiting for FAR too long
for a mom and dad, brothers and sisters to call their own! 

Sweetest Oberon - 6 years old

Richard - 9 years old

Waiting Wednesday Child