Coming Baby, Coming Lord

A sweet friend recently sent me this Word encouragement in this time I'm in, 

"Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. 21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. 22 So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you." - John 16:20-22

Recently, my motto, meditation, and nearly every breath has been partnered with the words "Lord, help me. Lord bring this baby soon. Lord allow it to come. Lord, deliver me from this." I know, I might be being a bit dramatic, but people, it's where I'm at. And I question if this isn't most women's late pregnancy thoughts.

I realized that this refrain is very fitting for the Advent season. 

While my focus is on the coming of a baby, and not directly spiritually related, I began to wonder were those Mary's meditations prior to her travel, "Lord, I don't want to have your Son on the road... please let him come now!" Or did she know she needed to get to Bethlehem to fulfill the prophecy? Were her words instead, "Oh Lord, please help me, sustain me while we travel... keep this baby from coming before your appointed time?" But, both held the anticipation or expectancy of the COMING of the incarnate Rescuer. They just held a different focus and perspective.

Aren't we, as Christians, really to be about both of these prayers as we look to the coming of our Lord? 

"Come, Lord Jesus, come!" we pray, meditate and say with every breath... and yet we also say, "Lord, please help us as we wait, sustain us until your appointed time of coming," because we know that none know the hour or time and the Lord's delay is a delay of mercy for those who are lost.

In our home we are focused on really one singular thing... readiness. It's nearly my obsession. Boxes have arrived filled to overflowing with (not Christmas presents) but will all manner of medical supplies, I've cleaned my room and bathroom and sanitized my tub more than is humanly possible, we all get our laundry done promptly so it's not backed up, we attempt to keep a full fridge (which is hard around here) and we keep things spotless and clean in anticipation for a small guest's arrival. Oddly, this guest could really care less how clean our house is or if we have the car seat installed yet, and would make it's self quite at home with a swaddle blanket, diaper and a warm chest to nuzzle on. But, we make ourselves ready... because we know the time is drawing close... not because we think we can actually, really, ever "be ready" on our own. 

We look for signs and are aware of current events. Tim will ask each morning, "How are you feeling today? What happened with you last night?" I google random things like "is a backache a sign of labor?" or read articles entitled "Signs of Labor You Shouldn't Ignore..." When signs of labor persist, then delay... We lament and rejoice. I look forward to the pain of labor knowing it will be of little consequence to the good I'll receive in the gift of a child.  My sorrow is present when some days I think, "How will I ever make it to the end... its so far away???" and dissolve into tears ... then an hour later I think "He (or she) is coming soon... it's not that far away!" As people of faith when we feel anguish and sorrow and the ever present prodromal labors that tire us and wear us down, at the struggle of sin and of the earth... yet at the very same time we know it's in preparation for a greater glory... its the glory of a joy that NO one can ever take away from us! In that we rejoice.

When baby does arrive we won't be thinking that we made it happen... it will just happen all of a sudden... when the time is fully done. 

Advent is a time of waiting... a time of expectations... and a time of entering in to both sorrow and rejoicing. It's a sweet time and also a time of struggle. Perhaps this is what is meant when we read, "Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." At it's core Advent is a time all about treasuring and pondering. 

A Day of Contrasts and Poop of All Kinds

I don't have a photo for today. 

But, many exist in my mind. 

Woke up to poop. Poop every where which made me cry a horribly pathetic and selfish cry. That's how it began. 

Listened to a friend's heart. 

Watched my man work. 

Learned to drive a tractor.

A child soiled themselves for no explainable reason... And stunk up the car on the drive home. I managed not to cry or get (too) irritated. 

Watched two people join their lives together in marriage. Cried then too. 

Watched two people bring home their long lost sons... And family made in an instant. Cried a whole lot. 

I see how I'd much rather cry about the right things in life. 

Not about what I think I deserve. Not what I want. Not about upholding my rights. Rights to a poop free life.

But about the sheer wonder and goodness and humility in accepting that we are given what we get. Straight from the good and loving and kind hand of God!

Life isn't about what we get (like cleaning up other people's crap) but about getting to do the "poopy" things with those put around us. Like an 11 yo who sees her mamas discouragement and gets out a rag and wipes down a poop coated crib not because she's told but because she wants to help her mama.

Life's about wiping up each others filth... In marriage, as friends, our kids and in adoption. And doing it without being concerned with our own rights. Doing it gladly. Doing it because we can and because it was "given" to us. 

Considering this day. It was wholly a failure on my account. But wholly a victory for the work that it produced with in me. So many gifts were laid in my hands. Some filthy poop. Some opportunities to see what lies beyond the filth of this grimey world and to see the stunning beauty that lays ahead! 

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God." - Romans 8:18-21

My Heavy Jar

Being a mama is a very isolating thing for me at times. Even in my own home and around my people.

I'm always biting my tongue and guarding this and that. That I find myself so completely blocked up that I realize that I'm hiding myself just in order to maintain, survive and keep functioning. 

Hiding from my kids, husband and the world. Trying to maintain.

My daily life isn't robotic, institutional... but I do, with out a doubt place a far too high emphasis of productivity, management and basically even just trying to keep on top of laundry and piles and bills.

Recently, I realize this mechanism of mine is nothing more than a idol of sorts. 

It's an idol of control... whether well intentioned or not.

It's an idol of pride... which is just ugly and sinful at it's core.

In addition, to this I tend to get easily distracted... not by my sweet children or by a moment or event of life but by things that fleetingly "fill me" with a dash of approval on things like Facebook or Instagram. But like any shallow thing, it's never filling for long. 

I was reading about the woman at the well not that long ago and one thing stuck with me... 

Here's a woman doing her chores, undoubtably very intent on getting her task done, a very monotonous, daily and burdensome task... and she encounters the Lord. 

After her interactions with Jesus it says, "the woman left her water jar and went away into the town and said to the people, 'Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did. Can this be the Christ?" 

That part, "left her water jar" has been a reoccurring and nagging thought for me. She left her burdens, she left her monotonous duties, she left her preconceived ideas about her needs, she left what she had in reserve for herself, and considered it absolutely obsolete considering the good things she found in Christ! 

The very water she needed for her daily allotment of cooking, cleaning, bathing, sustenance was worthy of forgetting and abandoning so that she could run to do the will of the Lord. 

Laundry must be done. Dishes, cooking, cleaning, wiping of baby bottoms... it's all good... even holy. But, it's not the point. Doing it, checking it off, managing it, mechanizing and mastering it is NOT the point. Keeping the plates spinning... 

Later on Jesus continues talking about work and "duties"... he tells the disciples, "My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work..." He expounds and goes on about how the work of harvest is near... and how some planted and sowed and others will reap... but it's all labor. And how both are brought together because "the sower and the reaper may rejoice together" because "they gathered fruit for eternal life." 

So poetic. But, in it I see that I'm very much a sower. At least right now. Motherhood is a sower's job. All day long... seeding, tending, weeding... repeat. It's easy to feel as if you are a slave or a slave to it when you don't see the harvest... or when you don't lift of your eyes beyond your row... or when you don't lay down your burdening water jar and "do the will of the him who sent us."

But, it's all a part of this thing. 

Laying down my jar now. 

Digging my hands into the dirt and feeling it's coolness. 

Realizing that this endless sowing is also going to end in rejoicing!

Once Upon a Time I Knew How to Raise My Children

Last night I sat with my children and looked at their little faces, with quivering chins and red eyes and thought, "What have I lost? I use to know exactly how to raise children. I use to know how to do this thing. But I can't remember any more how it is that I was going to accomplish it all..."

Before I had children I was a teacher, mostly kindergarten. I knew exactly how to raise a child then. I could see exactly how my pupils parents were failing and I knew that when I had children I wouldn't make those same mistakes.

Then I had our first child.
My first clue that parenting wouldn't be quite so simple was about 48 hours into my parenting career. I remember saying to God, "God, I didn't sign up for this... for an insanely fussy baby. Every book I diligently read, doesn't seem to 'work' for her... I prepared, now where are the results I should expect?" It was my first clue that "good parenting in" doesn't mean "good kid" will pop out at the end of 18 years.

Number 2 sort of re-instilled my perception that if I was a "good mom" my children would be "good kids" too. Then I got pregnant when our 2nd was only 9 months old. I didn't foresee this event and really doubted I could "hold it all together". Three children under 3 didn't bode well for my ability to ensure they'd all act nice and reflect well upon me.

Then we adopted. I knew we'd do a grand job raising children through adoption because we were superior parents. We had a loving family and what more does an orphaned child need than that? Love in, great kids out... right? Sure it was hard at first, what I didn't expect was for it to be hard a year, 2 years, 3 years later. I've learned love, my love, isn't always enough.

Here we are, a few years later, with our 6th child ... I look at her and now know I never knew how to raise a child the right way.

I thought I did, but what I had back then, when I knew exactly how to raise a child, was just a bunch of man made, one-size-fits-all tips, tricks and tactics. They might work on the little things like how to stop your 4 year old from picking their nose and eating it or how to not be (complete) brats in Walmart, but they fail in any effectiveness at correcting my children's real struggles... basically their sin and brokenness.

This shouldn't surprise me so... because God had a far better method of dealing with His children's sin... and even that failed to be effectual and provide for their ever-present need for grace. God couldn't make his children obey any better than I can make mine obey. What a foolish woman I was to think I could do things God couldn't!

Since learning I can't change my children's behavior/sin I've processed what it is I'm called to do...

I am called to teach them and impart knowledge and truth (both practical and spiritual) to them.
I am called to love them and be consistent in my discipleship/discipline of them.
But more than that I am called to parent them not for my own glory, but to glorify God.

Many of my days as a mother are futilely lived trying to battle the chaos around me and in turn glorify myself. I battle the chaos in the environment around me, in the people around me and most often with in myself. I get up with the battle already starting to thud and rumble (or shall I say grumble). I set out to try new tactics and new methods... being kinder, being more firm, giving more grace, being more consistent... except when the "bomb" of the day goes off I always feel defeated. I always wonder what "I'm doing wrong" as if finding the perfect formula would make it all better.

Last night as our family sat around our lit tree, glowing and golden, with red eyes and quivering chins my husband helped us all sort ourselves out of the broken bits of our day. He said, "Children, mom and I are called to teach you, train you and instruct you in many things. We teach you how to read, and write and do math. We teach you how to work hard and love others. But... there is really only one thing we can teach you that will make any difference in your lives. We could teach you everything else and if we don't teach you this one thing, your life would still be in ruins and with out hope. The one thing is Christ alive. Christ alive, working and changing you. With out that you will always and forever struggle and be walking in darkness. The fact is, you can't be good, you can't do good, you have NO hope with out Christ alive in you."

At some point (and repeated over and over again as I re-learn this lesson) I came to the startling realization that this whole parenting gig had far less to do with my abilities and faithfulness of raising children "correctly", as it did with God raising me into a person who brings Him glory. 

The solution for my children's struggles is the solution to my struggles... Christ alive ... Christ alive in me and in them. We have no hope outside of Him. Our struggle reminds us that our life is best lived in Him.

Once upon a time I knew exactly how to raise children. What I didn't know was that raising my children would really be raising me to see the only One who can do this thing!

Lavender & Little Noses

Sometimes you just need to stop and smell the lavender... to see the world as it really is.

This girl. 

She challenges me...

My pride, my well devised plans, my systems, my expectations.

Then I see her for who she really is. Again. And I remember what I once knew. 

God is holy. 

My pride, my well-devised plans, my systems, my expectations... they all are NOTHING!

Lavender. Crinkly noses. Lots of little words that spill out of her perfect little lips.

God is holy.

In that we give thanks!

Dry Wells and Open Doors

We've had a drought. 

No rain, just lightening, nearly all summer.

Our grass is brown and parched.

Our well went completely dry a few days ago. 
Nothing trickled in. 

Today the sky opened up and a deluge of rain poured down.
Puddled up.
The ground drank it up, gulp, by gulp.

Lightening cracks the sky and thunder shakes the earth!
Eyes get wide and hearts pound.

We sit under blankets on couches.
Lights flicker.

Addie asked Allan, "Was this like the rain in Uganda?"

He said yes.

She said, "How did you stay safe?"

Allan says, "We would go to a big house all together... but we'd always leave the door open, in case there were people passing by who needed to be safe too."

I stop him. Ask him to repeat that part... 

I ask, "So anyone would come in and take shelter with the family?"

He said, "Yes, anyone could come in and be safe. The door was left open. Sometimes people would ask to come in."

I tear up.
I think, "That is what was done for me... A door was left open, so that I could enter in and be safe."

"Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.  Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:19-25


Thank you God for rain.
Thank you more for open doors inviting safety and shelter.
Your story is full of opened doors, swung wide and left hanging on hinges.
Your Son is an open door... a gate of entrance to a pasture of peace.

"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture." John 10:9

Thank you for daily sharing your Gospel with me... my soul is as dry as our well, your grace fills it up to overflowing!  You faithfully share your truth with this mama through the rememberings of a 7 year old little boy, things that happened a world away. Your are the living God!


"Open for me the gates of the righteous; I will enter and give thanks to the Lord." Psalm 118:19

Bless The Lord!

Psalm 104:1-2

"Bless The Lord, O my soul!

O Lord my God, you are very great!

You are clothed with splendor and majesty, 

covering yourself with light as with a garment, 

stretching out the heavens like a tent."

Christmas Holds No Rules

At our recent local HEN (home education network) meeting we discussed Christmas. We discussed the right or preferred ways to give gifts, handle traditions, host events, and make things meaningful. One young mom shared she just wished she didn't have to do all the expected things, she felt burdened by Christmas. That is when another mother spoke up and shared this treasured thought:

There are NO rules in Christmas.

Yep. None.
There might be expectations or traditions, but there are NO real rules.

There is no rule you need a tree.
There is no rule you have to do Advent, even if you have written an Advent book.
You don't have to bake cookies, fast or eat specific things.
There is no rule your children have to be in the church Christmas pageant.
We don't have to sing specific songs or start listening to Christmas carols starting December 1st.
There is no rule you have to decorate, invite others over or go to parties with ugly sweaters.
You don't even have to buy presents... GASP! (Is that borderline heresy??)

There are NO rules in regard to Christmas, not one is listed or even mentioned in the Word of God. While all of the above are nice and enjoyable and most likely expected; you don't have to do anything for Christmas. Additionally, you have the freedom to do different things every year if you desired!

I think Christmas mandates are intentionally left out of the Word by the Lord of the manger because if specifics were required we'd most likely miss the whole point of what Christmas endeavors to remember...

We can do nothing that is required of us... Jesus came to do what we cannot ever do for ourselves!

The incarnation reminds us One was sent, he fully did what was required, and it had no baring on our merit, abilities, actions, family traditions, or anything we do or personally possess.

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly... But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5: 6 and 8

Christmas isn't about doing something required.
It never ever was. It is about God giving us something we never deserved, for His glory alone.

Those who participated first hand in the very first Christmas didn't "do" things, they just surrendered into it, they were amazed and lost in it all. At best, we can emulate this "lost-ness" at Christmas. Christmas is about seeing the glory of God on full display and being lost in it so much that you give up trying... and just wonder at it all! 

"Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be." Luke 2:29

~~~

"Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue set free, and he began to speak, praising God.  All the neighbors were filled with awe, and throughout the hill country of Judea people were talking about all these things. Everyone who heard this wondered about it, asking, “What then is this child going to be?” For the Lord’s hand was with him." Luke 1:64-66

~~~

"When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” Luke 2:15

~~~

"All who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. Luke 2:18-20

~~~

"The child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him." Luke 2:33

~~~

"When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh." Matthew 2:10-11

There are NO rules. 

Be free to just marvel, wonder, be in awe, and worship God without hindrance in this season!

The Messy and the Mundane

Recently, I potty trained our 2 and a half year old. I have had a baby in diapers for all but 6 months in 8 years. It is messy and I was very much looking forward to the minimized mess of a bottom wipe and a toilet flush! Simplicity.

I dutifully trained and with in a few short days she seemed to "get it" and was dry and clean a great majority of the day and night! My hard work was paying off, finally! After a week I deemed her officially "Potty Trained."

Then about a month later I smelled something... I looked in the back of the pants and found a mess.
I cleaned it and we moved on. Weird, she is "Potty Trained."

A half hour later I smelled something again and saw another mess... I cleaned it and gritted my teeth a little and we moved on. This went on 15 times that day. I was at the point of thinking there couldn't possibly be anything left in her to make a mess with... but there was. The mess just kept being deposited in big girl pants until the point we reached when there was no more "big girl" pants to put on!  It just kept coming (and no she wasn't sick) it was just deposited in small amounts all day long as to make the biggest possible mess over the course of the day.

Then the next day she was wet... and messy... all... day... long! Then the next. And then the next.

I am a mess in the mess around me.
I try to put on my "big girl pants" every day only to find that I am running out of them, just like I am running out of patience.

Despairing over small inconvenient messes has become the place I have lived in for a few months now.

Messy Seasons

This season is harder than any I feel I've yet been in... not the season of having 5 kids, or the season of having "new" kids, or the season of having little kids. I began to rationalize that maybe this season is harder because of my husband's sickness (Lyme's). Or because we are post summer, and that is always a tad challenging. Or because we have never had this many in school all at once, but then again we have. I have been in ALL those seasons and they weren't this hard.

Praying I said, "Lord, I don't know what I am not seeing. This is SO hard! Why is it? I just want it to be easier so I can be more effective. I want my normal life back. I want to not be so easily frustrated with the messy and mundane around me."

Saying and praying and hearing my own thoughts to God is sometimes all the perspective I need.

I am only able to be more effective through becoming stronger. I become stronger through resistance and training. My training now is in the gym of the Messy and Mundane.

I am the mess.
Not my house.
Not my kids.
Not poopy pants.
I am the mess.

What Spoils Things

I've been reading The Princess and the Goblin by George McDonald to my kids, it is my second reading and their first. It is just good.

In one part it says about Curdie the hero miner boy and his mother...
 "And if Curdie worked hard to get her (his mother) a petticoat (a red flannel one), she worked hard every day to get him comforts which he would have missed much more than she would a new petticoat even in winter. Not that she and Curdie ever thought of how much they worked for each other; that would have spoiled everything."

That is the problem isn't it?

I work hard not just for myself, but for others, but too often I work hard and think, no dwell on, how hard I am working for them... and that spoils everything.

It is the root of all spoiled things; thinking about how much I am working!
I am not working to bless. I am working to be blessed through the work I do and that is the singular problem that ruins it all!

More is said about Curdie's mother,
"Mrs. Peterson was such a nice good mother! All mothers are nice and good more or less, but Mrs. Peterson was nice and good all more and no less. She made and kept a little heaven in that poor cottage on the high hillside - for her husband and son to go home to out of the low and rather dreary earth in which they worked. I doubt if the princess was very much happier even in the arms of her huge great grandmother than Peter and Curdie were in the arms of Mrs. Peterson. True her hands were hard and chapped and large, but it was with work for them."

As I work hard in my home it remains a mess and I work more and that is mundane. I feel hard, chapped and rough on the inside... but unlike Mrs. Peterson I don't make my home a heaven, it remains a dreary place because I am dreary and a mess in my heart.

Our work matters.
How we work matters even more.


"If God doesn't rule your mundane then He doesn't rule you. Because that is where you live." 
~ Paul Tripp



God often doesn't rule my mundane.
I realize that now.

I am so bent on ruling it myself! I wrongly assume God handed me all this mess and mundane and wants me to deal with it on my own, by the grit of my teeth and the pulling up of my boot straps (which have mud caked on them, by the way.)

Recently we've been reading about some of the "great" people in the Bible, people like Abraham and Moses. It is really easy to think from our perspective that the mundane and messy never encroached on their important lives.

Abraham leading his family on endless road trips, trying to keep his nephew out of trouble and waiting each month for a positive sign of pregnancy... mundane and messy to the core. Moses too went on an epic road trip this time with millions of whinny bratty people who undoubtably kept saying "Are we there yet?" or "When can we go home?" Daily, he had to figuring out how to feed them because they were picky and didn't like what was provided for them. He had to keep them out of trouble, he had to clean up the messes they would make over and over and over again and they really stunk at simple obedience. Sounds kind of familiar.

Messy and mundane is what God's people are called to. What differentiates them as His people is who they look to in the midst of the messes. They see beyond the mess and mundane to see the plan they are partakers in.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." ~Colossians 3:1-4

I can wipe little dirty bottoms all day long and get the job done in a practical sense, but I am learning true submission requires the bending or breaking of one's deepest self to partake in joyful plan unfolding among the messes that surround us.

"Let me hear joy and gladness;

    let the bones that you have broken rejoice." 

~Psalm 51:8~

A Talk with a 12 Year Old Who Has a Cell Phone

Yesterday I sat and talked to a twelve year old.
She looks like America's version of "one of the least of these".

Mentor kid.
Inner city.
Broken home.
Forgotten kid.
At risk.
Low income

I checked my brand spanking new (1st ever smart) iphone 4 for the time.
She asked if it was an iphone 5.
I said, no.
She said how stupid her iphone 5 is and how she hates it.

I asked how long she had it.
Since her 12th birthday.

I asked why she needed a phone.
She said because her parents wanted her to be happy.
But she wasn't... it was stupid.
She said it cost $150 a month.

I wondered a great many things.

Then she asked when Addie (eight) would get a cell phone.
I snorted inside my head.
Maybe after she is driving or when she goes to college?
When she can personally afford to pay for it?

She was in wonder and amazement.
How could she "live with out it that long?" she asked seriously confused.

I said, "We can live with out a great many things... most people do."
I explained that I was 33 and just got my first iphone a few months ago... "See, I'm ok."
She was still awestruck.

I said, "Honestly, there are just too many more important things we need to give our money to... "
She asked, "Like what?"

People.
Hungry people.
Hurting people.
Sick people.
Alone people.

She was silent.

I wonder what she was thinking.
I wonder if she began to realize that her phone isn't what makes her "live".
That she feels hungry, hurting, sick and alone... despite her things.

We are unhappy with the best because it never fills us.
I am like a 12 year old with an iphone 5. Never filled but having it all.

Through Jesus I am like a 12 year old with nothing but the cloths on my back.
Filled though I have nothing of my own.

Um... Yes! 

Read this

She Can Laugh?

Long ago I started this blog with the theme from Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

Those three words resonated with me... both who I am and who I desire to be... She can laugh. 
Not, "She will laugh"
Or, "She must laugh"
But, "She CAN..."

Today I cried.
I do that, as well as laughing, often.
It is hard.
Camp.
Life.
Marriage.
Family.
Health.

It is nice to know that I CAN laugh. Not because I have to, but because God has clothed me with strength and dignity that are His own. I can because my strength and dignity don't rest on my circumstances. I possess nothing but rags, filthy and worn. He, however, has clothed me with what I need to be able to laugh at the days I am currently in and those to come.

Last night I watched a riveting documentary on netflix called "Mugabe and the White African" (Wow, a must watch!) Basically it is about a family of white African's who have lived in an African nation who has a dictator who is trying to "rid" the nation of all "white's" and to take the land they have owned for generations... and give it to "the people" but in a very nepotistic way. I kept thinking, "How is this family not utterly shaken? How are they not falling apart at the seams?" What struck me was the young wife... while she certainly wasn't laughing at the blatant racial persecution and near genocidal type of struggles they are dealing with. She was, however strong and dignified. Her face was serious, but she had a boldness and resolution that was etched in her weathered face. She was broken... but not blowing the the winds of turmoil that were around her. She was confident...

Sigh.
Can She Laugh?

Thoughts on a hard day.

Hump Day

Once a year, the first week of camp I have a genuine (epic) "Hump Day."
Things are just hard.
People are just tired.
We are just getting back in the swing of doing this thing called "Family at Camp".


I didn't sleep at all last night because I am worried about a family member.
We all got up as the chickens-were-still-warm-on-their-perch early to go to Devo... which was 100% worth it because it was so what I needed to hear!
My husband made me the best "bullet-proof" coffee, which is the only coffee I can drink with out suffering the wrath of caffeine... but then I left it on our Yukon and my brand new (beautiful) travel container got crushed to smithereens as Tim drove off.
Thea wet her diaper so much this morning it puddled up on the floor under her (she is ready to be potty trained and is "staying dry"... then gushing it).
Baby sitter called and asked is she "had" to change Thea's stinky diaper... "Um... not unless you want to keep smelling it." (Totally didn't say that, but thought it.)


Sometimes it is the little things that make a difference.

Some sweet staff brought my Lyme's Disease riddled husband a plate full of bacon and some lemonade.
A church friend came by to ask me how I was... in a truly genuine way.
Cora woke up this morning saying, "Mom, I'll be a better girl today." Seriously.
Campers who say during crafts, "Do I get to take this craft home?"
I stashed this little goody aside for such a time as this... Reed's Ginger Ale... it is Uganda in a bottle.

First Day!

For 8 years the 1st day of camp has come and gone.
8 years, 8 years ago seemed very substantial when applied to others above me.
Today it seems very small when applied to me and Tim.
Technically we've had 11 first days of "camp", 3 were at Confrontation Point.

The first days is good.
It is anticipation.
It is nerves.
It is raw and filled with glitter that makes you unsure if you are really living this life.
After 8 years it is less nerves and more glitter. Less raw and more blurred at the edges.

But it is good because you realize this whole summer has nothing to do with you and all to do with Him.
It is good because you know that when it all comes down to it you have really nothing to offer but what you have in Jesus.

You are surrendered.

Last night my friend shared what it takes to be a good counselor.

He said, "God gives you 5 children. Know that this was not a mistake... they are placed in your care for  this time and this place by God's sovereign plan to bring Himself glory. If you laugh, they will laugh... in all circumstances. If you cry, they will cry... in all circumstances. If you worship, they will worship... in all circumstances."

This was said to the counselors, but God intended it for me!

God has a purpose and plan for this summer... it is my hope to participate in that plan.

Having Brain ~ Random Thoughts on a CrAAAzy Day!

Camp is immediate.
It is upon us.
Plans are being made.
My life is about to change for the 8th consecutive summer.
This isn't always a completely easy time for me and us.

During camp we ask each other questions like...
"If you could have a conversation with any person in all time, who would it be?"
I have never known until today.
Now I know.

Tim is having a needle rammed into this nether region.
He lost his ID today. 
He is in Arizona. 
I would hate to be in Arizona with out my ID... just saying.

But I am here, and he is there. 
Not sure who had a harder day. 
Probably him... But, yet.

I left my purse at home and went to Walmart with the Tribe. 
That was not fun.
Cora said, "Mom, that is too bad. Lets go home and get it and then come back again. Easy peasy!"
Yes, that is what we did.

That was a blessing in disguise because it allowed me 1 HOUR of sweet relief.
No breaking up fights.
No finding messes in a room I've already cleaned.
No having to discipline anyone!
For ONE whole hour.

Plus, I got to listen to Winnie-the-Pooh.
I am pretty sure if Psychiatrist just let a client listen to Winnie-the-Pooh they'd be fixed.

It gives me peace.
It makes me laugh.
Addie is "getting" the humor too.
I no longer laugh alone.
I think AA Milne really wrote Winnie-the-Pooh for discouraged moms...

Things got a bit worse tonight.
The the lambs got "Bloat".
It is all funny to think of a bloated lamb... but until a lamb goes all "bloaty" on your watch, don't laugh!
Don't you dare! 
Their little tummy's looked like over inflated... ready to pop, balloons. 
Then you wonder if they will pop... that is a horrifying thought!

It is deadly, city folks... deadly as bad crack on a dark street... 
(I don't know if that exists, but I was trying to think of something "city folk" might think is deadly.)

I called Mary the lamb lady... Yes, that is her name.
Yes, I find that very funny.
She told me to get a book called "Raising Lambs the Modern Way."
That made me laugh too. 
I think there is a child-rearing book with a similar title.

I tried burping a lamb tonight.*
All time high/low for me.
It didn't burp. 
That was the "low". 

Really, there wasn't a "high" to it... because it I didn't get to see a lamb burp.
Then I used a syringe to squirt a homemade concoction down their little toothed mouths.
Yes, lambs have teeth.
One gagged at me.

It was a day. 
I am ready to give this one back.

I don't know if I need a shoulder to cry or laugh on. 
I'll take an understanding shoulder.

:::::::::::::::

“Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.

"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."

"And he has Brain."

"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."

There was a long silence.

"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything.” 

:::::::::::::::

As of 11 pm the lambs still lived! The bloat was much improved!!!

* Never try to burp a bloated lamb... it isn't the right thing to do! It could cause internal damage (popping of the lamb's innards). That is why I need to read "Raising Lambs the Modern Way"... that was the "unmodern" way to deal with bloat, evidently. Instead, you need to get them up and being active... not joking.

My Hands are Full.

I feel full.
I have always ((hated)) when people say,
"Your hands sure are full, aren't they honey..."

They are full.
There I said it.

There is so much to do.
Marriage. Love. Grace.
Little People. Love. Grace.
Forgiveness.
School. Education. Basics.
Camp. Relationships. Ministry.

All thing things I NEED to do. Dishes. Keeping us stocked and fed.
All the things I SHOULD. "Quiet Time." Being "there" for people.
All the things I PLANNED to do. Sewing. Baby books. Milking Goats.

Internal scream of angst!

But, my life is full.
My hands are holding what God has poured from his riches into them.

Riches are heavy. They have weight and substance that requires much of me.

It requires growth. My arms and heart and mind to become stronger and more resilient.
The weight of his riches makes me able to bear crosses of pain and struggle later on.
It makes me fit for what I am intended.

My hands are full.
Like a bowl.
Ready to be poured out.

Love is...

This morning we were talking about love and what it REALLY is... sacrifice.

Trouble forgiving.
Being mad.
Late night awakenings.
Screaming fits.
Frustration.
Wanting things.
Disobedience.
"Personal" time.
Me. Me. Me.

I am not often surprised when a four year old struggles with "life"... but I am astounded that I STILL do... 

I am really struggling recently to love others, that is instead of myself. 
I am frustrated by life right now. It is sin. And I know it!

It isn't that I don't "love them"... but that my love isn't being self-sacrificing. Compassionate. Humble.
All of love leads me back to these thoughts: family, forgiveness, sacrifice/giving, and truth. 



1 John 3 (selected verses)...

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.

For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. 


By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything."



Today we remember and focus on the Love that has been lavished on us!
Without it we wouldn't even know where to start with "love"... but with it we have all the power to love others like we have been loved by our Savior!


What is love?

Addie – Getting something that you don’t deserve, like grace.

Eli – What comes form your heart and spreads all around.

Allan – Feeling thankful in your heart.

Cora – I think love is helping and being nice to others.

Thea – Hug.