Della Jane's Unique Birth

Birth Stats...

Estimated Gestational Age: 41 weeks

20 hours ruptured membranes and inactive labor, 3 hours very intense active labor

8 lbs. 10 oz.

Unmedicated, Home birth, Water birth, 5th birth

39 weeks

Our amazing New Year's Eve dinner... all alone!

The last week of my pregnancy was hard (the last month had been) and I was so ready to have labor start and to see my baby! On December 31st my parents came and picked up our 6 older children because I was so tired and feeling so bad, to give us a break and let me get more rest. I was so stressed out about going overdue, fearful and also just physically struggling. I kept trying to make things happen, and that was obviously not working well! 

January 2nd (almost 41 weeks overdue) I woke up at about 5:45 am to go to the bathroom, getting back into bed I felt a small gush of liquid and realized my waters had broken... it was a slow leak. The night prior I had lost my mucus plug, it had actually fallen on the floor when I stood up from the toilet with a flop! It was huge, I laughed at how large and creature-like it was!

Well, "sorta soon"!

I tried going back to bed but fluid kept slowly coming out and mild contractions started and were about every 7 minutes apart... so I made my bed for delivery (with layered sheets and water proof pads) since we planned a home birth, our 3rd one. I got my sweet little scripture/meditation signs hung up around the room, picked up and generally did a little nesting of my birthing space. I was so eager to meet our baby!  At least I knew that it would come… sooner or later. At 7 am I got up Tim because usually I get started and have the baby within about 4 to 5 hours. I told him he might want to shower and get us breakfast before I would presumably naturally transition into active labor... ha! 

41 weeks

At 9 am everything abruptly stopped. No contractions… nothing! I called our midwife who said she'd come over at noon to check my progress (dilation) and talk "herbal induction". I was a "stretchy 3, almost a 4 and we thought I just needed to be pushed a little over the hump into active labor. I started an herbal tincture and labor seemed to resume... moderately intense contractions every 5 to 8 minutes... I was hopeful we were on our way to having a baby by dinner time! After my last dose at about 4 pm everything slowly ground to a halt again. I was so disappointed and discouraged! With my 3rd my water had similarly broken spontaneously and I entered labor with no problem... I was so confused why my body wasn't cooperating! I tried to rest, which was a joke because I was so anxious and wound up. Honestly, I can’t even remember what I did from about 4 to 8 pm? We did watch Wonder Years, which helped take my mind off things, I tried using my breast pump to stimulate oxytocin and I think I took a bath too.

Ready and waiting!

Tim helped me do the “side-lying release" on spinning babies, at about 8 pm my labor started on its own again, which was encouraging ... but it would only keep going only as long as I was active... I kept it going by walking, climbing the stairs and sitting on a birth ball until 10 pm but we were both getting tired. I felt like I'd already been through labor, I was tired and achy, and felt “done”. I could hardly imagine all the work I really had before me! I was very discouraged. At our midwives encouragement we went to bed and called the whole thing for the time being. She reminded us that we had plenty of time to still have the baby (the whole “time limit” thing of having broken waters) and she assured us that my body would just start up on it’s own and to surrender to what was happening and to stop trying to make it happen. I complied and went to bed.

Laborland. Beka our amazing midwife looks on.

While sleeping I’d wake and have a contraction every half hour or so. I got some decent rest. At 1 am I had a sort of stronger one, another at 1:30 am and then at 1:45 am I felt like a freight train hit me! It was probably the most painful contraction I've ever had and it just kept going and going and going, ... Tim came to my aid, as he had been resting in the adjoining room. I was very vocal about the intensity of the contraction. After it passed my entire body immediately started shaking uncontrollably and my jaw chattering! It was intense! Tim took my vitals and my BP was crazy high... we both just looked at each other like "for real?" It had been just below or at a mildly concerning place for the last month of my pregnancy and had slowly inched up the days before my water broke. I had NO other signs or symptoms of pre-eclampsia, but we kept an eye on it. Perhaps that crazy jump into active labor made it shoot up?  Tim thought I might be in transition (or feared that) so he immediately called our midwife who lives just around the corner from us. She said she'd be on her way and to get me in a hot bath to relax until she arrived. Our secondary midwife was also called and she got on her way.

I got in the bath but was SO fearful that labor would stall... yet again. I kept thinking that we’d call the midwives, they’d arrive and the labor would flop again. I told Tim I needed to get out of the bath due to this fear… he told me he thought I needed to stay in and to stop worrying so much! It, thankfully, didn’t stop. Beka arrived, set up more of her stuff, and just observed me. 

Finally here! It's a girl!

The waves were so incredibly intense it was like getting pounded by a tidal wave. I was trying so hard to find focus and meditate on my planned thoughts of perspective and even just control my breathing. It was a struggle and took my entire being. I labored in my tub from 2-5 am, the entire delivery. We had to refill it once  because it was getting cold, but it was a great help to me yet again. I'd labor in varying positions... reclined, sitting up, sort of squatting, all fours and back again... moving helped position our baby who was engaged, but high and moving positions too during the whole thing, which didn't feel great.  During my tidal wave contractions I would moan, remind myself "open", "out", "down into my arms" and try to visualize my opening relaxing cervix. Tim would give me sips of water, I drank 3 glasses during labor, and cool my head with a cloth. He kept telling me "it's only been an hour, you're doing amazing, that one did so much work, you know you're good at this, you've done this before..." All affirmations that I needed to be reminded of as I felt frustrated at the intensity and how this labor felt nothing like my other labors. 

Well, look at you!

At one point I asked for my progress to be checked as I really wanted to know when we could move on to pushing... I was 8cm, almost 9... but given the clear to "follow my body" as little pushes with a multipara (mama of many) can push the cervix out of the way... I did. After about 45 min I felt strong bearing down instincts and pushed quite aggressively several times. I checked myself and baby was NO where to be felt... I nearly cried! Beka checked again and found a cervical lip on one edge. She suggested laboring through 3 contractions on hands and knees to remove it... I did and amazingly they were very gentle contractions in comparison to what I had been feeling prior! After that I went back to pushing and my new labor mediation became "it's ok if you split in two... you won't, you'll just feel like it"! Haha! It was strangely encouraging to me. The first few pushes did nothing and I looked at my team and said "What is going on? It's not coming down!" I was so mad! I've literally pushed twice with some of my children! Tim suggested I try a modified hands and knees (with my tail more down in the water)... I was skeptical... but trusted him. Trust had been my word for labor and I realized I needed to apply this. 

Sweet relief! Baby on the outside! Thank you Lord!

After a few pushes in this position the baby got over the “speed bump” in it's way and over my pubic bone and came barreling down in one MASSIVE and long contraction! I was able to push from public bone/pelvis to head fully out in that one contraction, several pushes. I was seriously yelling/crazy grunting during this whole thing... it was crazy intense and also I was just surprised and unprepared for it. But, I soooo badly wanted to be done and have the baby out that I went with it! I was totally embarrassed however that I was so loud! Thank goodness our kids weren't around. 

After the head was out I got a rest and asked Beka who was assisting with the baby's head 

Family

behind me if the baby was ok if I waited, she said yes. It took several pushes to release the rest of the body, which was odd for me, it usually just sort of slips out with a hearty push... but it soon did. Beka caught the baby and as I started to sit back the baby was passed between my legs to my waiting arms! I grabbed it up and said "I'm so glad you came out!!!" Then looked to see what it was... a girl! Our 5th daughter! I was happily surprised. I had totally thought the baby was a boy, but I had nothing but feelings of gladness to welcome my baby. Della Jane was covered in vernix from head to toe, I was given a shot of pitocin to help me not bleed too much and I got out of the tub... which I had totaled out in my massive push... it was SO gross! 

Joy our assisting midwife.

Della Jane
 (with some nice bruising along her brow)

Della's twin... look at it in comparison to the size of the chux pad!

They got me settled in bed, I delivered a massive placenta I affectionately called "Della's twin"... it was the size of a dinner plate and approximately 1 1/2 inches thick! The midwives jokingly said it's why Della was so happy and unwilling to be born “on time.” I remarked that no wonder I was cranky the last few weeks... I was carrying that around! I lost a fair amount of blood when it came and they wanted me resting in bed for a week due to that and my elevated BP, which took it’s sweet time coming down.

8 lbs 10 oz

Della Jane and I had wonderful skin to skin time, we had an uninterrupted hour as mama, daddy, baby, I got Della nursing while the Midwives got us food, switched the laundry, did dishes and picked up... as well as cleaned the "poop tub!" Bless them!

I couldn't do it with out you.

They did the newborn screen and their paperwork. They hung out and observed mostly me (due to the BP) until 11 am. Beka came back the next day to check on us. 

Daddy

Oh! And Della had a 14 1/4 head! That said, due to pushing on hands and knees I didn't tear a bit... I had torn with all my others... I was very pleased about that and it made healing amazingly easy! I felt like that was kind of my reward for such a crazy labor. Della weighed in at 8 lbs 10 oz and was 19 inches long. 

Sweet baby girl!

When all was said and done this mama who's use to 4-5 hour labors ended up with a 20 hour long early or sporadic labor and had a 3 hour active and crazy intense labor... basically, a tiring long labor and a short intense labor all in one! It was NOT what I expected, but it was still good, I got to be at home and we have a healthy baby and I'm doing pretty good with amazing care! Very 

thankful! 

My Prize!

(photos by Foteem Photography)

My "Textbook" First Birth of Adelynn

Birth Stats...

Estimated Gestational Age: 42 weeks exactly
6 hours labor, 3 hours + pushing
8 lbs. 1 oz.
Unmedicated, Midwife birth center, 1st Birth

When we found out that we would be having a baby, both Tim and I desired to weigh our options when it came to how we would bring our child into this world. We had very FEW options in our town and had found out the hospital c-section rate was well over 40%. After a lot of studying we decided to go to the Lisa Ross Birth and Women’s Center of Knoxville to deliver our baby with the least amount of medical intervention as possible and that held to a high standard of care that was steeped in the midwifery model of care. 

We saw four wonderful and skilled midwives throughout the nine months of waiting. I was almost two weeks overdue the night I finally went into labor. As you can imagine, I was very anxious (total understatement) for labor to begin. The midwives had advised me to take castor oil the next morning, if that didn’t start labor they would break my water on Wednesday. I was really unhappy about all of this, because I was hoping to have an unmedicated birth in the birth center. I felt like I was on a fast track to chemical induction in a hospital, which was the last possible thing I wanted due to the risks and disadvantages it has.

However, Monday evening I had mild contractions for several hours, but I didn’t get too excited since that had been happening for a week or so and by morning they would stop. Around 10 p.m. I decided to take a bath and to go to bed, since I had an early wake up to take the castor oil. I tried to enjoy my bath, but I kept having to get out to go to the bathroom. That’s when the contractions started feeling very different. They were sharper. Realizing that this could be “it” I called Tim upstairs to start timing them. I didn’t want my mom (who was visiting with us) to know I was going into labor because I had gotten everyone’s hopes up before, so I said, “Honey, come tuck me in.” We started timing the contractions and they were about 3 minutes apart by 11 p.m. This scared Tim because we had an hour and a half drive to the birth center. He called the birth center and our midwife, Susan said to go ahead and come on in. 

The drive to the center seemed to fly by. Tim must have been speeding because it only took us about an hour. Right after we got to the center my water broke and in it was meconium, likely from my overdue status.  

I spent some time on the birth ball with my husband rubbing my back. Then I tried lying down on my side, however, this was awful! I felt so much worse lying down. After trying it for a while Susan our midwife suggested I get in the birthing tub. What a relief! I felt so much better. The water took away the pressure and the warmth felt so good and I felt like opening up. I stayed in the tub for most of the remainder of my labor. My labor was very intense and seemed to come in waves and groups. Then I’d have a good break to rest.

Around 6 a.m. Susan checked my progress and found that I was already at 9 cm and about ready to begin pushing. I remember thinking, “Wow! That was labor?” It seemed to go by so quickly. I never felt like I couldn’t keep going on. Susan requested I get out of the tub to push due to the meconium. I dutifully got out, but wasn't very please with leaving my "happy place".

The first hour I made very little progress pushing. At some point, after about 3 hours of pushing in all manners of ways, the midwife said, “Marci, you need to make up your mind if you want to get this baby out here or go to the hospital… it’s up to you… but I think you can do it here if you just give it everything!” l couldn’t even entertain the notion of being transported to a hospital (that sounded absolutely horrifying) and thought, “What the heck to I have to lose?” and pushed like a fierce woman. At that point I discovered what it meant to really push. I pushed for about another 30 minutes until our baby finally crowned. I thought, “Holy cow, I’m going to split in half… but, oh well…” and the amazing thing was, I didn’t split in half! I did have a nice tear, but it was easily repaired. 

Once the head of the baby was out the midwives (another one had appeared) discovered the cord was wrapped around the head twice! They managed to get one loop off, but not the other so they had to cut the cord. The midwife placed the baby on my stomach. The baby was purple and floppy, which scared me. I remember looking down at this new little face before they took the baby off to be suctioned and to get the baby breathing, which it did right away (with no issues due to the meconium)! We didn’t know what the baby was and the nurse kept calling it a “he.” But one of the midwives came in and said, “Do you know what you had?” We said no, and she said, “It’s a girl!” Both Tim and I were so happy!

They brought her right back to me and laid her on my chest. Tim said, “Oh, honey there’s our baby!” We both couldn’t believe how much hair our little girl had, and how beautiful she was already. Her blue eyes were so alert and awake, looking around at the new world around her and at her new mom and dad. We decide to name her Adelynn Ruth. She was 8lbs 1 oz and was a total rosy cheeked chunk!

They gave me a shot in the thigh of pitocin due to some bleeding. Other than that we just rested for a few hours before packing up and driving home that afternoon. 

I was so glad I had decided to try and have her with midwives and that I hadn’t been in a hospital. My midwife noted that my birth was a very “textbook first time birth” for the majority of the clients they see.  I doubt that I would have been viewed as a normal “textbook” case by traditional obstetric care in that area… they most likely wouldn't have been so patient with my 42 weeks “over due” status, the meconium or my  3 hour push session. I have no doubt I would have ended up with an outcome that wasn’t necessary and wasn’t ideal or as positive for us all. I didn't care about proving anything to any one, but in the process I really proved to myself that I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was! 

My Heavy Jar

Being a mama is a very isolating thing for me at times. Even in my own home and around my people.

I'm always biting my tongue and guarding this and that. That I find myself so completely blocked up that I realize that I'm hiding myself just in order to maintain, survive and keep functioning. 

Hiding from my kids, husband and the world. Trying to maintain.

My daily life isn't robotic, institutional... but I do, with out a doubt place a far too high emphasis of productivity, management and basically even just trying to keep on top of laundry and piles and bills.

Recently, I realize this mechanism of mine is nothing more than a idol of sorts. 

It's an idol of control... whether well intentioned or not.

It's an idol of pride... which is just ugly and sinful at it's core.

In addition, to this I tend to get easily distracted... not by my sweet children or by a moment or event of life but by things that fleetingly "fill me" with a dash of approval on things like Facebook or Instagram. But like any shallow thing, it's never filling for long. 

I was reading about the woman at the well not that long ago and one thing stuck with me... 

Here's a woman doing her chores, undoubtably very intent on getting her task done, a very monotonous, daily and burdensome task... and she encounters the Lord. 

After her interactions with Jesus it says, "the woman left her water jar and went away into the town and said to the people, 'Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did. Can this be the Christ?" 

That part, "left her water jar" has been a reoccurring and nagging thought for me. She left her burdens, she left her monotonous duties, she left her preconceived ideas about her needs, she left what she had in reserve for herself, and considered it absolutely obsolete considering the good things she found in Christ! 

The very water she needed for her daily allotment of cooking, cleaning, bathing, sustenance was worthy of forgetting and abandoning so that she could run to do the will of the Lord. 

Laundry must be done. Dishes, cooking, cleaning, wiping of baby bottoms... it's all good... even holy. But, it's not the point. Doing it, checking it off, managing it, mechanizing and mastering it is NOT the point. Keeping the plates spinning... 

Later on Jesus continues talking about work and "duties"... he tells the disciples, "My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work..." He expounds and goes on about how the work of harvest is near... and how some planted and sowed and others will reap... but it's all labor. And how both are brought together because "the sower and the reaper may rejoice together" because "they gathered fruit for eternal life." 

So poetic. But, in it I see that I'm very much a sower. At least right now. Motherhood is a sower's job. All day long... seeding, tending, weeding... repeat. It's easy to feel as if you are a slave or a slave to it when you don't see the harvest... or when you don't lift of your eyes beyond your row... or when you don't lay down your burdening water jar and "do the will of the him who sent us."

But, it's all a part of this thing. 

Laying down my jar now. 

Digging my hands into the dirt and feeling it's coolness. 

Realizing that this endless sowing is also going to end in rejoicing!

6 Reasons Why Having a 6th Child is More Awesome than the 1st

It was mildly annoying and sort of surprising that the most common question I was asked when expecting our 6th was ...

"Are you excited?" 

As if, it was questionable that I might NOT be. Sad day! Excitement is totally expected when having your 1st or 2nd, but totally worthy of questioning when having any beyond that point. Sort of silly in my opinion... and sad.

But, to put all at ease, I felt implored to share why having #6 is just as awesome that having your 1st... because it is JUST as worthy of excitement!

#1 - Having your 6th is more awesome because you are already broken in. You have no delusions of a baby who sleeps all night long or rarely fusses or works around your life and schedule. You realize that you are there to serve them, help them and nurture them. This isn't about you and you know it!

#2 - Number 6th will most likely be a pretty chill person (but, maybe sometimes they aren't). They've been bombarded from the womb with loud sounds of siblings, jostlings from the outside, and such ... you're already mothering and it's not all revolving around them. They naturally just begin life going with the flow that is surrounding them. They sort of just slip in and find their little niche!

#3 - You already know what to do. It's fairly unlikely that you haven't had a colic baby or one who wouldn't gain weight well, or any number of other things. You've dealt with countless cases of croup, fevers, flus and childhood dilemmas. It might not make you worry less, but you know how to do what you need to do or where to find answers. And if something new crops up you can always say, "Well, this is new... but I'm sure we'll be ok!"

#4 - You know what you need and will use and you don't stress about getting every thing all set up. You likely have all the clothes a baby could ever wear, a hefty stash of cloth diapers and toys galore! We didn't even have a carseat until I was 37 weeks pregnant... I knew I'd most likely go "overdue" {again} and I needn't worry about getting it. We also didn't put together our crib until just a few days before I was 40 weeks, because I wouldn't need to use it "for weeks"... really all I knew I needed was a few blankets, some diapers and wipes and... well, that's {really} all we'd NEED!

#5 - Number 6th is a walk in the park when you have bigger kids around! I've always said a baby should come with a resident 10 year old! They can hold, sooth, love, entertain and even diaper a baby (if trained well). The baby sees it's older siblings as helpers and authorities too... a stern look from a bigger sibling thwarts a tantrum and a baby can look to a sibling when it scared or unsure. It pretty much ROCKS!

#6 - Having your 6th is most awesome because you get to share the joy! As a family of 7 nearly everyone can delight in the ultrasound, your growing girth and baby kicks. Everyone can't wait to find out if they are getting a brother or sister! Everyone has ideas about names or how to decorate. Who will it look most like??? Its all wonderful! And then after the baby arrives everyone delights in all the wonders of the baby... how sweet, how big, how lovely!!!  Baby is a joy giver to all and all share in it!

That's just some of the reasons why #6 is amazingly, sweetly and wonderfully AWESOME ... 

and worthy of excitement, joy and peaceful feelings!

{Not to imply that #1-5 aren't!}

Wink. 

When Things Aren't Working: People ~ Process ~ Purpose

My husband enjoys the show The Profit... in short, its a reality show where a wealthy investor (Marcus Lemonis) takes over struggling businesses and makes them profitable and functional again! It's good TV.

I watch on while I knit.
Many of his ideas have been slowly filtering through my mind. Lemonis' main mantra is "People, process, profit..." when anyone of those things are out of whack businesses generally don't succeed. Some times the issue is with the people, or how people are treated. Other times its the process of the business, the day to day functioning of the business ... and both issues usually impact the profitability of the business. It's interesting stuff.

I'm a miserably poor manager. Well, I take that back. I ran a very well managed classroom when I taught... because school is VERY controllable, reliable and systematic... sadly, at the cost of people... but it has to be. This however, can't always be the case in homes ... in families and in homeschools. And I'm not sure I want to treat my home and family like a school or business.

However...

Every day I wake up and I feel (in part) like I am running a struggling business (home). Now, this illustration all breaks down because our goal as a family isn't to make a profit. I guess you could use that word, but I've found that really "purpose" is a better word and end result of having our people and process in better alignment.

When they are functional we all are able to explore, create, learn and grow in depth of purpose!


Right now, nothing is working in our home... 

My process (the managing systems of our home) are NOT running smoothly. Chores aren't done, rules are not obeyed (even though we are consistent and correct). Guidelines are not acknowledged. Chaos rules us all.

People aren't doing the process (systems of management) that we've trained and taught them in.  Our people are at each otter's throats, fighting, arguments and generally not connecting on heart levels.

We fail to be able to create, explore and grow in the purpose God's designed us for and for what our hearts feel called.

Sometimes life looks more like a photo where no one is looking the same
 direction and people are talking to each other through gritted teeth. 

It stinks. It makes us all hurt.

Some people here feel this keenly. Others seem like they desire to add to the chaos or are reactionary to what surrounds them.


Each day I get up with renewed purpose all to have it fall by the wayside just moments after I take my 1st sip of chai and look at my surroundings... I see that a person has failed to do chores, or got into fish food and it now is ground into carpet or to be told someone doesn't have clothes to wear (because they failed to do their laundry like they were told.)

Our process is broken.
People are feeling disunited and on their own.
As the leader I feel defeated and have lack of motivation.

I can't say that I have a solution to this yet... but it feels better just voicing it, and realizing that people, process and purpose are all interconnected.

It's not always like this. It seem like we have a season like this ever few years... growing pains. New things. Life just being a bit "too big" for us... then we rally, come together and grow. It's still hard.

It's helpful for me to realize that leading a family, training children and managing a home is a REAL job (profession) and also a very worthwhile investment.

It might not glean returns in income (ha!), but I will reap returns in functionality, interconnectedness and be able to grow deeper in the purposes I was created for, and to see others around me benefit from personal investment in it as well!


Some of my goals...

~ To encourage personal connections and relationship building. If the process has to wait because people are connecting that is worth it! I want to connect on heart levels with each of my people. If I elevate the process I fear pushing them farther away or if all we do is think about the process then we end up serving it instead of it serving us.

~ To minimize and simplify... both "stuff" and for me mental clarity and distractions. I crave simplicity right now!

~ To take baby steps on improving our process... to update what isn't working and reinstate what is or has worked.

~ To fix me. I am the tone and weather of my home. When I am well and have direction that filters down to others.


Thanks for walking with me!
Feel free to share.

Cora's Birth Story

Birth Stats...

Estimated Gestational Age: 41 weeks and 3 days 
16 hours labor, 10 minutes pushing
8 lbs. 10 oz.
Unmedicated, Home, Water, 3rd Birth
Long labor, easy delivery

(((Sorry - No photos - They are on another drive and I can't get them off right now)))

This was our first home birth. We decided to do a home birth because using midwives at the hospital was a bit more invasive and unneeded than we wanted with our prior birth. We really enjoyed the personalized care our team of midwives gave us in the months prior to birth! 

The weeks prior to delivery were full of prodromal labor. I was so certain I was in labor that I even called my parents nearly two weeks early and they rushed down to help us take care of our older two children only for labor to stop abruptly that night. This pattern went on every few nights for two weeks. It was very annoying. My due date came and went and finally after 9 days overdue my water broke at 2:30 am as I turned over in bed. The fluid came rushing out all over the bed. I was amazed at how much came out. We cleaned things up, got the birth tub filled and tried to go back to sleep for a while. Contraction started up with in an hour and increasingly got closer together. By 5 am we called Juanita (one of the midwives) and told her they were 4 minutes apart and that she might want to come soon. We expected labor to progress as fast as it had with our second, which had been about 4 hours of active labor or about 6 hours total.

Juanita and Carole, our midwives arrived and I got up and walked around the house as the sun rose and came through our windows, it was such a beautiful sunrise to enjoy that morning. I alternated between walking around our property, sitting on the birth ball, and resting. The contractions continued to strengthen in intensity and by about 9 am I told Tim that I thought we would have the baby by noon because they were getting so strong and felt like what I had experienced near the end of my other labors.

Thinking things were progressing fast the midwives suggested I take another walk around the property and then they would check me before I got in the tub. While we walked things got very painful and I thought I would be near 7 cm dialated when we returned. Juanita checked and to our surprised I was only at 4 cm! I was so discouraged.  

We continued walking for several more hours, stopping for rests and eating. After two more checks I was only at 5 cm, but I felt such pressure on my cervix that I couldn’t believe nothing was happening! Things went on like this for hours. I continued to labor in intensity that felt like the transition periods I had felt with my other two labors. 

It was discouraging, scary and confusing to me. I felt like my body wasn’t working right. I was trying so hard to relax, stay calm and positive. I feared the baby was too big or something was not right. I wanted so badly to get into the birth tub as that was where I had always done my hard laboring with my other births, but Juanita felt it would slow down my labor or stop me from progressing. I totally disagreed with this... it was always what helped me progress in the past. I didn't understand her adamant stance against "letting" me get in since I didn't have a history of having stalled labor in water. I tried getting in the shower, but only cried and felt worse and fearful.

The whole time Tim was a nervous wreck, he overheard the midwives calling a doctor for consultation and to arrange a transport to the hospital. He came back in to the room and asked me how much more I wanted to take. I told him I could continue for a while longer, but I was so discouraged I wasn’t dialating. The midwives came in and checked again and Juanita tried to adjust the baby’s position manually, thinking she might be in a less than idea position and that what was causing the slow dilation. It was probably one of the more painful things I've ever experienced! I was still only at 5 cm. And I am pretty sure that it was not a needed intervention.

They then noticed that the baby’s heart was slightly dipping during the peak of my contractions and they wanted me to labor lying on my side. This was torture, but it improved the heart rate. I couldn’t stay relaxed, I was panicking it hurt so bad. I was able to get my breathing under control, but my back, legs and body just tensed as the baby’s head felt like it was pushing hard against my unyeilding cervix. I think I labored on my sides for a few hours. At one point I said, “I just can’t do this anymore!” Juanita said, “What option do you think you have?" Which just hurt and angered me even more. I was trying with all my might and nothing was working and I didn’t need a flippant response. I said, “I can’t keep laying here. At least at the hospital they'd allow me options. I need to get up or get in the tub for at least a little bit and maybe I can keep going on.” They agreed to let me get in the tub, which is what I had felt I needed for several hours because I couldn’t relax and my labor had always progressed very fast in the tub previously. 

I got in the tub and literally in the next contraction I felt amazingly better, more relaxed and able to cope with the pain. In many ways all the pain was gone and the unbearable pressure on my cervix was taken away! 

Another contraction came and I felt the baby move down and I had a strong desire to push. I told every one and Juanita said, “Are you sure it isn’t just pressure, there is a difference? See what you feel next time.” With the next contraction I nearly yelled, “I need to push!” Tim quickly got in the tub and helped support me as Juanita checked me and laughed as she said, “You are at 10 cm with just a small lip. I’ll push it back in the next contraction.” 

I went through two contractions and small pushes and then I was fully ready to push. I pushed lightly and the baby moved down quickly and was crowning! I couldn’t believe it! I tend to panic when the baby crowns and push them out too quickly and tear. Carole, our other midwife, helped me get focused and helped me hold my hand on the head as I pushed the baby out. It was amazing how easy it was to push the baby out and into the water and I was able to bring the baby to my chest. 

The baby didn’t cry right away, so I was helped out of the tub and onto the bed where they suctioned and gave the baby a little oxygen. In all the excitement we hadn’t even checked to see if we had a boy or a girl. Tim looked and proudly announced we had a girl! We were surprised because she had a head of dark brown hair. We named our daughter Cora Anne, which means, “The grace of the Lord fills my heart.” She weighed 8 lbs. 10 oz.  and was 19 inches long. She had no moulding on her perfectly round little head. She was born at 6:20 pm, after about 16 hours of active labor. 

It was such a relief to know that I was able to deliver my baby at home and surprising to us all that just 30 minute before I was ready to pack up and go to the hospital. I learned in this birth to trust myself and my body above the opinions of others. I learned that I can outlast hard things and that while it wasn't my normative birth experience I can keep going!

Afterward I realized that while I needed to listen to my midwives and respect their educated and knowledgable position, I should have shared my concerns more openly and I realized that getting in the tub was really only ever up to me. Often in birth we (mothers) talk about doctors or care providers "letting" or "making" us do various things ... when in reality it is only ever up to the mother/woman. We tend to abdicate our own will, insight and personal rights because of one thing... fear. Having a safe birth and a good birth are synonymous. They are not oppositional goals. A safe birth is a positive and respectful birth. When I felt the need to get in the tub hours prior (at 9 or 10 am) I should have gotten in and made a deal with the concerned midwife that if it stalled even a little I'd get out... or to keep mixing up what I was doing. Realizing that a "birth team" is really just that ... they work together with (even FOR) the mother to make a birth a healthy and positive experience.

Green Home

It's cold and icy. But there is a little home that is green and warm where things grow. 

 

Little things are sprouting.

Bigger things are producing fruit.

Little by little every day.

Fish and plants work together to thrive.

The big aquaponics is new and we are just getting the water established with proper levels of nutrients.

The blue tank is thriving and the chard is proof... Brighter colors speak of its happiness and nourishment.

Bok Choy just used in our kitchen was then transplanted from our local grocer finds a place to grow and have another chance at fruitfulness.

 

Celery grows again. A rebirth of sorts.

Our first broccoli grows up toward the light.

The tomatoe "tree"... A combined growing mass of life. Six plants have taken up their own empire in a corner. I use to hate the smell of tomatoe plants... Now it is a fresh and inviting perfume to my nose.

Eggplant kingdom... Still no fruit! We wait in expectancy. Hoping for something to grow where only space is taken.

A heavy fruit, nearly ready. Pink and purple tomatoes are my new obsession.

They grow close together, up a stake and around uplifting stabilizers.

If grown in their own way they'd rot on the ground.

My little green "home" is an oasis!

It's teaching me skills and applications for my own little home.

 

 

Dear New Mama,

I heard you say the other day something to this effect, "I can't even get my laundry done, and I only have one baby ... I have no idea how you do it with six children!"  You said it with a defeated, shame-filled tone and my heart hurt for you because I remember feeling the same exact way 5 children ago.

First of all, who says I get my laundry done? Laundry is never done... not when you have 1 or 2 children and definitely not when you have 6! Now that that is cleared up, we can move on.

I get what you are saying, however, I use to say the same thing to my friends who had more children. Then I had 3 children, and then 5 and then 6, and I realized a simple fact of life...

Life as a mama always has its challenges... but it also always has its beauty and joys!

You see, it doesn't work like we'd assume... that once you've had 3 or 4 or 6 that one day it just gets easier and you've got it made, you'll figure out the secrets of mothering, managing a home or doing all things related to this season of life. On the other hand, it also doesn't work (as some might assume) that the more children you have the harder it gets. It's based less on numbers and more on personal capacities growing and changing...

We all start somewhere.

For starters, when I had our 1st baby it was even more challenging to me than it has been to add our 6th baby. It was more challenging because my perception and the level of my capabilities were being radically changed in life-altering ways! You know how it is, life literally changed overnight! Motherhood has a initial steep learning curve.

As each of our children joined our family it wasn't that steep of a curve, but with each and every addition I was pushed to a new maximum functioning capacity. I was able to have 2 children because I had had 1 previously. I was able to have 3 because I had had 2, and so on. Basically, our current abilities are to some degree built upon our previous experiences.

Today, I am very much at the same emotional and functional capacity level I was at 10 years ago when I had my 1st child in that I am still functioning at my own maximum capacity. While it has broadened in scope and capacity, it is still the farthest my scope has ever reached ... just like you are with your one or two. We are very much in the same place, you and I.


For sure, since then, I've learned a whole lot!

I've learned that if you let Cream of Wheat dry on a high chair tray it will be there the day Jesus returns for us, so scrub it off immediately after breakfast!

I've learned that you can just flat out ignore that drawer under you oven... it doesn't exist and no one will open it (not even your husband) and you can worry about other more important things like finding all the possible hidden choking hazards in your home or if your baby's head is the correct size or not.

I've learned that sometimes it is better to spend your day holding a fussy or sick baby than doing anything else, because that day is only given to you once and babies grow far too quickly!

I even have managed to learn how to not let our laundry literally bury us alive ... unless: a) we have the stomach flu or any other illness,  b) we've returned from a trip, or c) it is a national holiday. I hope one day to learn to manage it even under those variables.

Perhaps most importantly, I've learned that this whole mothering gig isn't entirely up to me. My days as a mother are crafted by One who knows my abilities, seeks to grow me into someone more like Christ and also hand picked all my children for me specifically to mother. And while I am still at my farthest scope of abilities after a while I have begun to see the fruit of my labor... little by little.

Mama of 2 with #3 on the way ...
Three littles in 3 and a half years was challenging!

Additionally, I've discovered that no matter how much I learn given my previous experiences, children are always growing, enter new phases, changing and things are always new and contain challenges of their own. Life as a mama isn't formulaic. What worked with one child may not with the next. What use to work with one child will fail to work as they grow and mature. We must grow and change right along side our children. We don't "get it all figured out" one magical day just because we've tried really hard to crack the parenting code by reading enough books, feeding them the right food, training them the prefect way. It just doesn't work like that.

Realize when you feel tempted to think, "I should be doing better because, that other mom is doing better than me with her 5 or 6 children..."  kind of thoughts, that that doesn't serve either of us well. When we make comparisons like this, we do so by giving ourselves the short end of the stick and bestowing much more grace on others than is realistic.

What I try to remember is that the struggles I face today are just part of this particular season as a mother. Seasons change, with them we grow, they grow and things mercifully change. It won't always be "this hard" or even "like this". Things will change and when they do things will simply be different.

Our short (4 week) period of time as a family with 4 children!

When I struggle the most it is usually because my expectations and desires are incongruent with the reality around me.

My messy house grates on my expectations of order, beauty and perfect functioning.
My crabby, sassy, disobedient children expose my irritable, snarky and sinful self.
My plan for today, to accomplish x, y and z, is derailed and exposed as unrealistic by the reality of the urgent that unfolds around me.

Expectations (particularly unrealistic ones) don't help us mamas.
In fact, they can be our true nemesis! They tend to wear us down. They make us feel defeated and incompetent.
Much like "worry" they don't accomplish anything of true worth. They tempt us to look at the 10 things we have to do in a given day with defeat and irritation instead of doing the one next thing well and with love.
They most often simply deceive us from our real God-given purposes and they rob us of the joy of participating in the beauty that is present in the reality around us!

Much of motherhood is about surrender. Giving up and laying down of self.
In laying down of my personally imposed expectations I've found I feel a whole lot lighter, more free and able to do the things that have been placed before me with more grace and love.

My meditation of mothering has become, 

"Do the next thing and do it with love."

Wow, that mama sure looks like she's got it all together...
Sometimes I wish I could be that lady.

I fail most days, many times a day at this, but going to God in my brokenness and asking for help makes it not only possible, but beautiful!

I remember this verse when I feel defeat creeping up on me, 

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, 

for in due season we will reap, 

if we do not give up.

So then, as we have opportunity, 

let us do good to everyone..." ~ Galatians 6:9-10

So, new mama ... know that we are so very much alike!

We are both doing big things, working hard and loving the people God has given us.
We are pushed to our own maximum every single day.
We need God's help and we need each other.

Thanks for walking this road with me!