A Christmas Card

I got a Christmas card yesterday. 

One that made me gasp, breath pulled from my lungs and tears well up to brimming.

Just look!

Last year................................This year!

My little buddy Ezra Bulaguhare is growing up.

His letter contained a picture he drew of his hand traced and nails drawn in.

It said, "The beautiful hand of baby Ezra."

I love little boy hands... dirty and yet so sweet.

I must confess when I think of him I see that baby. 

Baby no longer. Baby fat is vanishing. 

Eyes are bright and with out fear! Smart... as in Ugandan smartly dressed!

He's a scholar now in three piece suit.

This is why family preservation should be given more funding than institutions. 

Children grow up in families! They have aunts or grandmas or parents who are supported in the task of raising them, feeding them, educating them! Interestingly enough many children are place in institutions, even though they have family, so that they can care for their needs like schooling. This is a tragedy! Families can do far more than institutions can. We believe in families!

Merry Christmas sweet big boy Ezra!

Ezra's 1st Day of School

This morning I got a sweet little surprise on my news feed... 

Ezra went to school today!

What a big boy and he looks so "smart" in his big school uniform. 

So precious!

Although he looks a bit unsure I am so excited for him and the opportunity he will have to grow and learn in his pre-school. I hope tomorrow he has a smile and feels excited to go! 

I wonder how excited his aunt was today. 

Was she so thrilled as she buttoned up his over-sized shirt and put on his little shorts? Did she remark that he needed to keep them clean and take them off the minute he got home? Did she tell him it would be fun and not to be afraid? Did her eyes get a little teary when he had to go? 

I've thanked God today that he has a teacher and classmates to spend time with, to grow with and to look up to!

Sponsorship is a really amazing way to ensure that children stay out of orphanages and institutional settings! Sponsorship also ensures that a child's family of origin is able to raise them and give them what they need to grow, be healthy and to learn and have a future. 

We are daily thankful that we were able to learn about Ezra, his aunt and the life they live in Uganda. We are also honored to be able to share his story, one that didn't include adoption but has still allowed him to be raised in a loving home with great opportunities.

Sick Kids Here and There and How I am Humbled

A few weeks ago we had a house full of sick children. Fevers, coughs, colds, aches and sleepless nights. It was about all I had to not dissolve into self-pity at how it was all destroying my plans and sleep needs. I was "suffering" because life was hard.

Truth be told, if I had to raise a child in someplace other than the western world I would probably stink big time at keeping them well and personally not going mad trying to keep them alive. Sad truth. SO many woman try and succeed at this very impossible task! Humility. What amazing women! I wish I could give them all a day or a week or month off of that stressful and weighty task, some how.

During the depths of my self-drama over my "sick" kids, I got an email from our contact at the ministry that oversees Ezra's care. It all reminded me how lucky/blessed we are to live in a place where very few children run the risk of dying of preventable things under the age of 5, but nearly 1 in 10 do in Uganda.

We got his picture of Ezra looking sick and extremely thin! 

He was running a dangerously high fever and malaria was suspected.

I was alarmed because just a few months prior he looked fat, happy and healthy. Honestly I had to double check they had sent the right photo and that this wasn't some other kid. But it was him.

The ministry nurse and social worker decided to take him to a pediatrician that day, where he had a blood test that found he had no malaria in his blood, but a very serious bacterial infection (which was exactly what Thea had the first week I had her in my care, it was scary stuff... one of her orphanage mates died of it 3 days after we arrived... it was horrible!) They got him on antibiotics, daily injections of something to help him and they also got a month worth of milk that his aunt could pick up for him daily at a local milk supplier.

Yesterday I got this update photo... He has gained weight and is already looking so much better! 

He had taken his last dose of the anti-biotic that morning, and the nurse said that his aunt had been very careful to follow all the instructions and to cooperate with the doctor's orders. Yay Aunty! Yay family! I am filled with hope and pride today... I am so proud that this family is surviving... and thriving! Best of all, I love how Ezra is cuddled up on his aunty's shoulder. He is loved and is giving love! He has never spent one day of his life in an orphanage and he is being cared for by people who take personal responsibility for his needs!

Families CAN care for their children... even when it seems very very challenging!


~Post Script~
Very interestingly, two years ago tomorrow was when I held Ezra and heard his family's story... we surrendered the idea that adoption was the only solution and moved forward with the task of keeping Ezra in his loving family, despite his double "orphan status" and his legitimately risky circumstances in life.

God is good!

From Afar

I got an update on sweet Ezra!

He is 2 and a half years old now.

I found out that his tribal name is Baligarhare which means “they come from afar”… how cool is that!?! I wish we had names with meaning like that here.

Our last photo of him almost exactly a year ago is on the side bar...
Very unsure and cautious, but doing well.

Here is his latest photo, just taken yesterday!
My heart be still! Beautiful boy!

The Pastor that oversees his care had this report for us...

“He is doing great and is growing fat. I noticed he has taken long to speak, our nurse will go and examine him and see if it is a normal thing. Our nurse will get him some de-worming medicine as well. He likes eating.”

It gets even better... just look at the love and obvious joy! 

If you want to read Ezra's full story read HERE and HERE

 (or click Ezra under the label to get the long story).

We are praying for Ezra and why he may not be speaking or talking yet. Praying, specifically, that any obstacles are removed and that he communicates his thoughts to those in his life and that they listen. Praying for overall wellness and safety as he is cared for by his aunt and cousin and prayers that he can remain in their care until his adulthood.

We are pretty fortunate to hear how he is... it couldn't be done with out a ministry that seeks to care for children and families in vulnerable places. This ministry has around 85 children/families being served through sponsorship. Out of the 85 only 25 stay at their children's home (orphanage), the rest are in schools locally or boarding schools and are regularly or continually in their biological families care. 

We are thankful for ministries like this one that seek to serve the needs of children and families in some of the most difficult places to bring up children!

::Side Note::
Many people know that both our children from Uganda have living bio family (extended or parental). While this isn't about them... it is. I believe children are made for families, any type that is committed to loving and raising them with their needs in mind. Both biological and adoptive families CAN do that...

Please don't think I am "anti-adoption" or even "against" the adoption of a child with known family members (or even "adoption ethics police"... it is just not me). Much to the opposite, we have been there. We went down that path carefully with our other two children, because it became CLEAR that there was not any other alternatives for them, but adoption. While the decisions to adopt them was made under much weight and evaluation by us, it was ultimately made with their surviving bio family's lone direction and desires.

But, back to Ezra...
Honestly, I hesitated to share Ezra and our involvement with him, because I was really doubtful if "family preservation" would work, particularly in his case, because things looked SO horrible and hopeless.
BUT...
It has worked!

A Ugandan Adoption Story

Can I share a little story with you?

It is a cautionary tale about an adoption that almost happened and how if we had allowed it to proceed, it would have been a huge mistake. Recently there has been a whole lot of buzz in the (adoption) world about families risking and sacrificing all to parent a child that the US governing entities has not allowed them to bring home... while this is horrifying and tragic, and my heart breaks for the adoptive parents dealing with this, there are things that are even worse... Christian families placing the end of  "adoption" above the means of justice. I wanted to share our story, not because we did it all right and perfectly (and not because I want to reprove others who have found themselves in a difficult spot with an ethically compromised referral), but because adoptive families need to understand the great privilege and responsibility they have. One that can, at times, do great injustice instead of great good.

No one, especially potential adoptive parents want to hear about adoptions that don’t work out… but please read this! And please take time to read it all... Thanks!

The Need for Adoption?

It all started exactly two years ago. On January 14^th 2011 we got these photos of a precious baby boy, who was about 4-6 months old. We were smitten from the moment we saw him. Furthermore, we knew he was our son; his name at birth was Ezra… the very name we had planned on naming our next son… we were sure it was God’s plan for him to be ours!

Isn't he amazing!

A pastor who runs a child/family support ministry told us about Ezra and his evident need for adoption. He told us this baby’s aunt had approach him and was no longer willing to care for him due to a violent boyfriend who was basically putting the child’s life at risk. She was seeking out removal and adoption, because she felt like situation was unchangeable. Ezra’s "uncle", (the aunt’s boyfriend) was a drug addict and repeatedly acted in violence to anyone that crossed him. Even the Pastor, who was a local and had grown up in slums, was afraid to go near the home because this man was so violent. Everyone in the home was sick and Ezra was slowly starving, they couldn't get money to feed themselves due to the drug issues that ate up all available resources. It seemed hopeless. Removal from the home and adoption seemed like the best solution. At the time domestic (Ugandan) adoption wasn't a known thing, so it didn't even cross people's minds.

We had several people (about 5 different people) go on different occasions and investigate the situation to confirm the need and lack of options. Everyone who had been involved with helping him and his family had said the same things, "This is the worst situation I have ever seen! Something must happen to help him, or he will die."

This is Ezra with quarter and nickle sized boils on his upper chest,
running a fever and with nothing to eat.

Months went by… the baby was still with the aunt and uncle… I began to wonder if something unethical was taking place. Were they trying to bribe us? Why weren’t they getting him some place safer if the situation was so dire? Was it a stunt to get money/resources from the ministry to get drug money for the Uncle? After a few months of nothing in his situation changing I had an opportunity to go to Uganda and to investigate what was taking place. My whole hope was to clear up whatever ambiguity was present in the situation and personally ensure they were offered options (other than adoption) because I wasn't sure to what extent that was being done in either of our cases.

Some of the things we tried to ensure, or where in the place of processing...

• His aunt was the first to reach out to the Pastor and suggest adoption. 
• No one sought them out, paid them or tried to convince them to "give him up."
• Other options were discussed, including sponsorship of Ezra. He was, in fact, already being supported by the NGO.
• I did not go to see them to try to "talk them into" adoption, in fact, the grandma asked us to visit prior to her leaving the following day. We went to just verify things and offer to support, adoption was a possible solution, but not the end goal.
• Everything was handled rightly, with the desire to respect and help this family and give them every available option.

This trip would forever change how I would view adoption, bio family rights, and child rights to be placed paramount in adoption. The term “orphan care” was redefined in my mind from an adoption based approach to viewing the child through the perspective that they personally have rights: rights to bio family, domestic placement and finally international placement in a family best fit for them. 

How I Learned a Lesson

I landed in country and immediately got a frantic call from the Pastor… “We MUST go NOW to see Ezra…” He took me to meet the aunt and grandma, who had just arrived from a village to check on Ezra. We wound up through shacks and rubbish to a hovel leaning dangerously on the side of a hill. Inside, two kind-eyed women welcomed me. They wore torn tee shirts and a swatch of fabric as a skirt. They were honest and real people, not at all what I imagined. I knew that the aunt must not be too much older than myself. I sat on a chair that had a large lump in the middle and I perched on that lump. I smiled and thought, “I am 100% unprepared for this moment…”

Then they brought Ezra out. Someone asked me later that night what I thought about him, I told them, “He was marvelous! Just wonderful in every way!” He was. He was a baby, like any other, but he was amazing to me! I was in love. He had sores on his body was covered in impetigo. But he was beautiful!

I talked with his aunt and grandma… they both really wanted Ezra to be safe and healthy. Grandma also shared that she felt grieved he wouldn't be able to be involved with his culture, extended family and heritage. I felt that, it saddened me too. I really liked them. They were honest. I could see the difficulty of their situation, but also their love and hope for Ezra. It was also evident that hope was not all lost in their family.

Recently, there had been a shocking turn of events in their family. The abusive/addict uncle had beat up a woman so badly that he had been arrested… horrible, but also a good thing for the aunt and for Ezra. He was gone and the aunt intended to stay away from him now. Hope remained. As they told me this I realized that the WHOLE reason they had sought out adoption was because they feared for Ezra and felt hopeless, but not because they didn’t want to raise him. I knew we must allow them to sort out all these details in their time and with the freedom to make choices for Ezra however they felt best. And for us, that meant walking away and leaving it alone.

The Happy Ending

That night I went back and a dear friend prayed with me for over an hour… mainly that the will of God would be done in Ezra’s little life and that we would respond in obedience and grace with whatever took place. The door closed. All I really wanted for amazing little Ezra was a family who loved him and cared the best they could for him… and he already had that, they just needed support doing it!

During that time we had people advise us we should take Ezra by force, we should bribe them, we should get the law involved, we were told we needed to make a case to them and try to convince them why we would be “a better family” for Ezra. While, that seemed tempting for a moment, we also knew that this wasn’t the reason we were seeking to adopt. I remember thinking very clearly, "Perhaps God had us learn about Ezra NOT to adopt him, but to ensure that his family was given a chance to care for him, with some help. What if another family had be referred him, would they have been willing to "fight for him" to adopt him wrongfully?" I know if I hadn’t met Ezra and his family we wouldn’t have had the perspective that these people were REAL people who had all the love and motivation in the world to raise up their nephew, even if they lacked the resources.

About six months later, while I was back in Uganda bringing home our other kids, through a series of sort of amazing events I literally bumped into the Pastor (in a city with a greater population than my home state, yeah.) He told me the sweet news about what had transpired for Ezra and his family. He said, "It is really a good thing. The aunt was able to not live with her bad husband any longer, he is gone. They are safe now. I look in on Ezra, he is doing better and is growing some. They are glad that you came, because it helped other family members to realize how bad a state they were in, and now the family is helping them... if you had not come, they would never have taken such note of Ezra." God had used us in Ezra's life, but not to adopt him, but to help him maintain his birth family! 

Family Preservation & Adoption

In Uganda (and I assume around the world) there are kids who need to be adopted, but there are some who don’t, yet still reside in orphanages. Some just have complications in their families that need time to resolve themselves. Those families needs to be supported, not torn up and hindered from doing what God has entrusted them to do… raise their child. Unfortunately, often, adoption is what tears up families who just need time and support. 

There is a great misunderstanding that most adoptive families have prior to adoption; adoption solves the problems of poverty.

Poverty doesn’t mean lack of love.

Poverty doesn’t disqualify from parenting.

Poverty does mean others in the family can’t or won’t care for a child.

I was always really curious when I met fellow adoptive parents in Uganda who were adopting children with known mothers and fathers, and siblings. I wondered if adoption really was the last resort for this child, and why... or were they simply adopted because they had been placed in an institution for some time and no one had bothered to seek out other options for them? Furthermore, when an adoptive family adopts a child with known biological family this is not only an injustice to that child and family, but to the child who doesn’t have known or willing family members and doesn't get to be adopted because other children are adopted in their place.

To this day, Ezra lives with his aunt, is cared for, provided medicines, food and in the future schooling via a family preservation sponsorship program. There are many programs in Uganda that promote and protect FAMILY... but not enough. Oddly, instead of promoting, supporting and making more family preservation ministries, donors in the western world are coming over to Uganda (and I assume other African nations) and stacking up more and more unnecessary and poorly run orphanages. While good temporary homes are needed for some children, more need to have their family of origin assisted. We don't need to take kids away from families, we need to support them in keeping their kids!

This is Ezra one year ago.
I love how his aunt is looking at him.

The Front Line Against Wrongful Adoptions… Adoptive Parents

You, adoptive parent, must OWN the adoption you participate in!

You must be on the front line, make hard choices and even walk away from a child you are smitten with because it is the right thing to do for everyone involved!

You must do this on your own and not rely on agencies, baby homes or lawyers to make this call for you and your potential child! You must refuse to work with people and places who are using orphans to fund their lifestyles.

God has called you to family preservation just as much as He has called you to adoption. They go hand in hand.

We are so thankful to have seen such a perfect case right before our very eyes of what families CAN do, despite all odds to care for and protect their children... when we step back and give them the chance and tools to do it!

::::::::::::::::::::

Resources for Family Preservation and Sponsorship Programs 

That Support Children In Their Families:

Compassion Mother and Child Program 

Family Preservation in Uganda 

Action for Children Uganda 

Abide Family Center 
Child's i Foundation

Bring Them Home 

Mercy Childcare

A Child’s Voice

Zion Project 

God Helps!

Remember that little boy we were looking into adopting?

Ezra is his name, which means "God helps." So very fitting, in every way!

(Here was the first photo we saw of him, just over a year ago. He was 6 months old.)

Well, we decided not to continue pursuing adopting him for various reasons, but basically because his remaining bio family (an aunt and a few other extended relatives) couldn't agree what they wanted to happen with him. Every one who had been involved with helping him and his family had said the same thing, "This is the worst situation I have ever seen! Something must happen to help him." He had an uncle that was an addict, who repeatedly beat people up, everyone was sick and he was slowly starving, they couldn't get money to feed themselves due to the drug issues and his aunt had had enough and wanted him placed for adoption.

(Ezra in rough shape, sick with large blisters all over his little body. And the front of his house.)

I was able to meet the aunt and grandma, who both really wanted Ezra to be safe and healthy, but also shared that she (the grandma) felt grieved he wouldn't be able to be involved with his culture, extended family and heritage. I felt that, it saddened me too. I really liked them, could see the difficulty of their situation, but also there love and hope for Ezra. And I also felt like we must allow them to make this choice in their time and with the freedom to make it final however they felt best. And for us, that meant walking away and leaving it alone.

We left knowing that he would most likely stay in that bad situation, but that was also the right thing given the circumstances. I had only asked the ministry involved if they've been checking up on Ezra to see how he is doing, but then lost track of the man who'd been helping this family. I wrote a prayer for Ezra and committed to being his "mom of prayer" before the throne of God... and felt that if that was all I could do it was important.

While I was in Uganda getting Isaiah's adoption completed I passed by the area Ezra was in on several occasions... it was etched in my brain... I know with out at doubt I could get their any time or any day with out help... and that is saying a lot because it is a maze of shacks, winding up a hill, all looking alike. The times I passed by I always started to cry.

One time my driver (who had on another occasion taken Ezra to the hospital, prior to my first trip) said, "Marci that is where your other son is... do you know that place?" When he said that it startled me, "my other son." It was hard and good to hear all at the same time. I said, "Yes, that is where he is..." adding to myself, "I hope".

Quite honestly, I didn't want to know what happened to Ezra. I didn't want to go back there. Not because it would be sad, because we didn't go forward to adopt him, but because I feared the worst... that he'd be hurting, hungry and possibly dead. I dreaded knowing what I thought the truth might be.

After my first trip I thought about finding out how he was... but didn't feel right about it. So I prayed, "God if you want me to know what happened with Ezra you will have to bring him to me." It was a wild and open prayer. I doubted anything would come of it at all.

Until one day I was waiting (that is done a lot in UG and in adoption). In the waiting room was a familiar man, I knew him, he was the man who was overseeing the care through a ministry that had first told us about Ezra... what?! In a city that has a greater population than my state... and I see the ONE man who knows about Ezra... Yeah. Very odd.

I sat and looked at him... he didn't recognize me, my hair was drastically different. I thought... "Do I really want to know? What if he is dead? What if..." But I did it, when the man looked up at me, I re-introduced myself. In an instant he remembered me and said, "Do you want to know about the boy Ezra?" I said yes. He said, "It is really a good thing. The aunt was able to move out and not live with the bad guy (they always called him that). They are safe now. I look in on Ezra, he is doing better and is growing some. They are glad that you came, because it helped the other family members to realize how bad a state they were in, and now the family is helping them... if you had not come, they would never have taken such note of Ezra."

It was like cool water, those words. It erased the worry, the fear and the dread.

For months I had worried that my coming was a negative thing, that it might have caused harm, that if we had just waited he would have been placed for adoption eventually... but that was only from my vantage point. God had used us, but in an entirely different capacity. He knew we wouldn't be willing to push, we would respect and hope for the best and that we would be Ezra's prayer parents, if nothing else.

That was one of the most amazing things to ever happen while I was in Ug@nda... it simply stunned me. Of all the days, I met him. Of all the times of that day, we were both waiting there. And his news was what I needed to know.

Some orphans have family... just not ones that are willing to care for them. BUT if they are willing they need to be helped, not hindered in caring for their child.

We have always held to this, and are so thankful to have seen such a perfect case right before our very eyes of what families CAN do, despite all odds to care and protect their children... when we step back and give them the chance and tools to do it!

Last night the pastor of the ministry that helps Ezra sent me these photos of him.

He looks SO amazing to me! What sweet sweet news to see!!!

(Ezra with his aunt and cousin, looking good, and healthy!)

Will you pray with us over Ezra today?

Here is the prayer I wrote to pray for him, after my visit, when I was hurting and sad about not being able to be his mom and uncertain where God was taking us...

God does help!

Dear Father,

We thank You for allowing us to know Your child Ezra, his needs and the amazing and awesome work of Your hands that he is!

We bring him to You.

We know it is no coincidence his name means “God helps.”

We ask that You would always be his help, be near to him and answer his cries.

We ask that You would claim this boy as Your own and hold him in Your righteous right hand, for Your glory alone!

Like a mother hen guards her brood, we ask that You would cover Ezra with Your wings and protect him;

From hunger, fill him with Yourself when he is,

From sickness and disease,

From evil men that would do ill to him,

From danger, violence, abuse and unrest,

From drugs and alcohol,

From all things that entice and promise falsehoods,

From the Enemy of orphans, family and Your perfect Plan,

Like a mother hen, surround him with Your wings of love,

Impart Your faith and hope,

Impart Your peace, presence and power in his mind and deep in his soul.

Allow him to see You, hear You, feel You and witness You in others.

Allow Christ-followers to see him and know he is a boy who is claimed as Your’s, give them charge over him.

Holy Spirit, we ask that You be this boy’s Helper and Counselor!

We boldly ask that evil would not prevail and that we and many others might experience Your power in the life of Ezra.

We remove his name “Causing trouble, and give him the name “Let’s trust in God.”

Allow him to know you greatly and bring great glory to Your name.

We thank you for changing us, making us more like your Son through this little boy.

We pray that Your holy will prevails and that we will be used by You in Ezra’s life however You see fit.

It is in your holy and powerful name we pray, Amen!

Here are some ways to help families like Ezra's raise their kids!!! Family preservation is also part of Orphan Care... with out a doubt the most important part!

Compassion Mother and Child Program - http://www.compassion.com/help-babies.htm

Family Preservation in Uganda - http://www.dellchallenge.org/projects/abide-family-center

Action for Children Uganda - http://www.actionforchildren.or.ug/

The Helper

"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;

you consider it to take it in hand.

The victim commits himself to you;

you are the helper of the fatherless."

Psalm 10:14

Waiting Until 10 Weeks

You know how it is a general rule of thumb that when you get pregnant you should wait until 10 weeks has past to tell the general populace that you are expecting? Yeah, we were never very good at that rule.

We always ended up telling just about everyone by about 7 or 8 weeks. It wasn't that we weren't afraid "something might happen". We were, but we just were either too excited to keep it a secret or we are really bad liars and always just came out and told when people asked, "Do you want to have more..." type questions.

So, we aren't too different with this adoption deal. The general populace in our families and friends knows the details... they ask and I can't lie to them so I just spill the beans!

We received 2 referrals... from 2 different sources... on the same day and literally minutes a part!!! ( I don't wonder who is behind all that.)

They are both boys.

One is a brand new 3 year old and the other is almost 4 months old.

We are definitely considering both... TWO little boys!

Yes, we know that that means we will have a 6 year old, 4 year old, 3 and a half year old, and almost 3 year old and an under 1 year old by the time they get home!

Yes, we fully know most people think that is craziness and perhaps even foolish.

But I don't want to get started on that. :-)

We are overwhelmed, very slightly, but not enough to think it is not where God is leading us. It is more the type of overwhelmed that makes us excited and ready for the challenge... ready to see God work and go big!

We are waiting a final word on one of the boys and hope to hear by Monday. All family members need to be asked if they are willing to raise him. All but one has been spoken to.

We are praying BIG prayers for THE best situation for this boy... not our best, but GOD'S best. And we know that that isn't always the same thing.

We are specifically praying that no matter what choice is made that his situation is improved.

So that is that, either way we can give thanks!

So this sort of feels like telling you all at 8 weeks that we are expecting, maybe things won't work out, and we should wait the appropriately specified amount of time?

But really we are too excited NOT to share!