Tears Well ~ 4 Years Family!

Today marks a BIG day in our family!

I've often wondered what things would be like on this day.

How would "we" be?

Would we still worry or wonder?

We we all feel "at home"? 

Today marks the momentous day that Allan has been our son longer than he was not...

1460 days of being mama to this boy!

My heart breaks and hurts and reels when I remember this day. Oh, how horrible and wonderful it all was. I see his chubby face and tears well.

35063 hours of sonship, brotherhood and family.

Then I see him, like today, looking through an open door, saying "Maaah... can I have lemonade?" and he looks so big, so almost-nine and all-boy and saying my name in the way only he says it. I see his big boy face and tears well.

I can't express how good it feels. 

It is natural. It is honest. It is family.

I know it isn't the wish I'd give to my son, adoption that is, but it is what it is and its been good.

His name means precious. And he is. He is so so precious to me.

Thank you Jesus for letting me be his mama!

A Christmas Card

I got a Christmas card yesterday. 

One that made me gasp, breath pulled from my lungs and tears well up to brimming.

Just look!

Last year................................This year!

My little buddy Ezra Bulaguhare is growing up.

His letter contained a picture he drew of his hand traced and nails drawn in.

It said, "The beautiful hand of baby Ezra."

I love little boy hands... dirty and yet so sweet.

I must confess when I think of him I see that baby. 

Baby no longer. Baby fat is vanishing. 

Eyes are bright and with out fear! Smart... as in Ugandan smartly dressed!

He's a scholar now in three piece suit.

This is why family preservation should be given more funding than institutions. 

Children grow up in families! They have aunts or grandmas or parents who are supported in the task of raising them, feeding them, educating them! Interestingly enough many children are place in institutions, even though they have family, so that they can care for their needs like schooling. This is a tragedy! Families can do far more than institutions can. We believe in families!

Merry Christmas sweet big boy Ezra!

Thea Agnes ~ 3 Years Home

It sort of seems like a dream. 

The whole story of how she came to us.

How it all fell together.

How we wondered.

How we left our hands open.

How they were filled.

How we landed at home and became a family.

There are days I remember that it wasn't always this way... 

So thankful we are home.

We are together.

God is making things beautiful in His time.

A Family Needs Their JJ!

:::::Update::::
A wonderful family has stepped forward to begin the process to adopt JJ! In my opinion, there isn't a better family out there for him! Let's pray him home now! Specific prayers are: For a speedy process, for stability in his birth nation, for the family to be prepared for his particular needs and to find amazing resources for him in their local area and for JJ to transition well into his new family!

A note to the few of you who have posted comments in the last few days wanting more info on JJ... thank you! Please check out Adoption Advocates International or Reece's Rainbow to learn about other children very similar to JJ needing families!


There is a sweet little boy... 

He lives in a little town in East Africa, a town that doesn't have medical resources to correct his clubbed feet, hydrocephalus and other medical needs associated with his Spina Bifida.  Because of these needs he was orphaned. He is completely on his own.


All day long he lays in bed, sits long hours on a pot and scoots around on the red dirt.  Other kids in the home hit him on the head, but he never hits back.


I am pretty convinced JJ is not only a survivor but a champion! 

Despite his clubbed feet and poorly developed legs, and partial paralysis he has learned to walk. Yes. Walk! He walks slowly pulls himself up and shuffles down the halls of the orphanage and finds people to talk to, play with and to bestow his gorgeous smile upon!


This infectiously smiley boy has lived his whole little life on a pot and in a bed and on the red dirt.




He had a family who wanted to adopt him. I was told that when he heard that he would be adopted he dropped down on his knees and started crying in joy... he was so happy! He knew his deep desire for a family. Unfortunately, things happened in the life of that family that made adopting JJ impossible. 


So again, he waits. On the pot. On the red dirt. Alone.


He has waited years, available for adoption. One has to wonder, why? People who know and have spent a lot of time with JJ all say they know he is an intelligent boy with a lot of potential, if only he had two things... a family... some medical care. 


One intern that spent months with JJ said of him, 

"JJ is one of the most uncomplicated kids I know. He is never complaining about anything. JJ is very good in keeping himself busy when he is alone. Sometimes I observe him and he’s singing or talking with himself but he is not mentally disabled. He’s the first who knew my name when I came last year. He understands everything and he speaks. He just needs attention like all the kids do. Always when he gets attention he’s the happiest person in the world, and his eyes are always shining. He’s motivated to walk. He’s motivated for nearly everything. He will melt anyone’s heart. He really is a clever and loving little boy."


Another family that spent a lot of time with JJ while adopting their child at the same home said, 

"We all fell in love with sweet JJ! He was usually left on a potty or in a bed, as he can't walk a lot, so we would always bring him down to the grass where the children played so he could be involved too. He is very smart and gentle and sweet! He would grab onto my hands and pull himself up to walk, or make his way up and down the sidewalk from the grass to the rooms where they sleep so that he could play with us. Some of the other kids were mean to him, but he was never mean back. He has the most beautiful smile that never left his face the whole time we were there!"


I can't imagine if JJ is smiling and happy sitting on the pot or scooting through red dirt what he will be like in a family, with toys, and brothers or sisters and with fixed legs... can you? 


It is something I am marveling at... the endless possibilities that God has buried deep within JJ for a family to discover and produce! What a "lucky" family they will be!


A family needs their JJ, just as much as JJ needs his family!

Let's see JJ in a family by this time next year!


Please share...

::::::::::::

Post Script...

I know what you are thinking, I have thought it too. "I want to adopt. I feel God calling me to adopt. But JJ is too old. He has special needs I don't think I can deal with or sign up for. I don't think God would/has called me to something I know I couldn't do..."

Can I just clarify something?

We are in a season and a time in the world when healthy infants, under the age of three are not really available and needing to be adopted, perhaps periodically, but not at the rate that people are requesting to adopt in that particular demographic. There are waiting list of families desiring a healthy infant or toddler 100's long at many agencies. The thing is, nations around the world are doing a seemingly better job at preserving biological families and of placing infants in domestic adoption. This should excite us! This is what being "pro-adoption" should be about...  cheering for the end of the need for adoption! So what, if it comes in the exact age and demographic that we'd most like to adopt a child in? Instead of feeling entitled we should be rejoicing... and moving on to the next need that needs meeting.

As things change so must we. The reality is that the vast majority of children needing to be adopted internationally are older and/or have special needs. If God has called you to adopt internationally he has called you to kids just like JJ, because those are the kids who are currently most available for adoption. There are gobs of waiting children all over the world but most of them are not healthy babies or toddlers. The main methods of adoption that would likely grant you an infant adoption ethically is domestic infant adoption or foster-to-adopt.

While I know one half of adoption is about growing our families, and that is a very personal choice, however the other half of adoption is about working within a system and filling a need for the children that are available for adoption. Your personal needs/wants as a family should always be placed under or to the side of the needs of children who are available for adoption... either a surrender of our perfect family picture or moving on to another method of growing our family.

I know it is hard. It is a big surrender. I have personally struggled with this topic as well... both before and after our adoption. After it all, my only regret is that I wish we had been "open" to more.

Thanks for hearing, thanks for sharing about JJ's needs and other kids like him!

Thea's Forever Family Day ~ Two Years

I don't even know what to say any more...
Honestly, I can't remember what it was like to not have Thea part of our family.
I know I haven't always been, that hard and beautiful reality is still felt quite keenly.

I am pretty sure I am "just" her mom now.

Just mom is always there. The just mom is consistent and sure of. You can know just mom will wipe your dirty little bum 15 times in one day because you space out your poop to cause the most possible mess... because we know mom will keep cleaning it up, and just in case we forgot she was just our mom, we now know she is. A just mom is expected to sing to you every night and do your hair up pretty and take you to go see it in the mirror. She always does those things.

Dad too. We know he is going to give us whiskery kisses. We know we can say good bye and he will be back for lunch in no time. We know he isn't a push over and we listen to him a tad better than to mom. We know he is fun and exciting and a little cooler than mom... because, well, he makes everything good. We know that he is dad and dads don't leave.

A just mom is mistreated and loved all in the same day. 
A dad is a dad who is there even when he isn't.

Recently, we all watched the old Disney Peter Pan. I reminded two of my big kids to try and not suck their thumbs ("because that is only for bedtime"). Thea listened and tried to not suck her thumb too. A few moments later her satiny smooth cool hand was on my cheek. Softly, smoothly patting. I felt loved by her intentionally. It was good.

Then speaking, "Mom. Cora suck her fumb!"

I realized her soft touch of "love" was only to be informant on her big sister. Taddles.
Oh well.

While the song "Mother" crooned on the TV I did dishes and Thea was held by her big sister, but when I sat down she scrambled into my lap. 

Her be-puffed hair with curls the size of a pen spring, blocked my view and got stuck in my eyelashes. It is annoyingly sweet. A trivial peeve. Puffs pushed down, brushed aside, back in my eyes again with out delay. 

Baby the Lamb and Blanky joined us. Sleepy breathing.

When I put her to bed we played "Kiss... Hug... Kiss... Hug..."
She starts the simple game. It gives me joy.

She asks in a request, "Hey mom. What a yittle girls made of?" and I dutifully sing a croaky and substandard rendition and don't skip the special personalized verse... Even if I could. I know that one unknown day she will ask the very last time of me, "What are little girls made of?" So I sing for her...

"Go to sleepy bi-low Thea.

Go to nighty-night now Thea.

Mama loves you.

And Daddy does too!

You're our little sugar Bee-ya!"

(I know, I am a rhyming genius of the likes of Shakespeare and master soother of all things infantile.)

I know I am just her mom now... and I am so thankful to be just that. 

All the really real moms are overlooked. 

We are two years home.
We are together.
I can't say much more than that.

Two Years of Family

Two years!
Two years ago we received the blessing of a son!
That was a day that changed us all.

Allan has slowly changed from a very afraid and timid little boy into a boy with intense joy and silliness. He can be one of the loudest children I have ever heard one moment and the quietest in the next. There are times we go out into an unfamiliar setting and he steps back into "Timid Allan." When Allan does this he will be a very perfect, respectful, Ugandan child... not look in adults eyes, hardly speak or voice his words and be very quiet and "not seen". Basically, he looks fearful.

He does a wonderful job being respectful by Ugandan standards... but not so by American, because not looking in peoples eyes, not voicing your words and being afraid acting is not exactly normal behavior for a 6 year old in America. Some times I want to say, "Buddy, just please act normal... Mommy is afraid people will think we are mean to you if you act like that!"  Internal cringe!

I often wonder what he is thinking and feeling and why he reverts back to that. It makes me really sad when I see that boy again, I start to second guess all our progress/bonding/attachment. I think I have "missed something" and messing up being a mom to him... because surely he wouldn't still be doing that if he felt safe, at home and bonded to me! Adoption has away of stripping away everything a parent thinks they know and replacing it with doubt and despondency. Hurt is real. Trauma is terrorizing. Love seems to be weak and ineffective at making genuine changes or healing real hurts.

One day I saw something that restored my hope and changed my perspective. We were at a strange place and an adult started talking to him and he became "Timid Allan" again... He looked all timid to the stranger then he looked at me with twinkly eyes and a grin that seem to say, "I am being a very good boy for you mom! See." Then right away again he was "Timid Allan." Then he ran off playing with his brother and "Timid Allan" was dropped like a suit he took off. "Timid Allan" isn't Allan, it is just the best way he knows how to behave for strangers.

Recently I started talking to Allan (and all the kids) about "Love Languages"... that we all have one that we like to be loved with most and that we need to see how others around us like to be loved and to give them that kind of love. Allan was trying to love me, to serve me through the way he knows how and how he was taught by his good grandma for so many years! I sort of laughed last time I saw "Timid Allan," I realized some habits die hard... but love never fails!

Sometimes we just have to speak a different language to understand some dialects of Love!

A few months ago I realized Allan had started being comfortable kissing me, not a skill he came home knowing how to do or feel comfortable with. We ignored his very awkward hugs and kisses for a long time. We also had some 101 Classes on how to pucker up and smack a good one on someone else! It usually ended with giggles and tickles. We are pretty sure he never kissed or saw people kiss before.

A few weeks ago at bed time I forgot to kiss Allan good night, he said in the most demanding way Allan can be (which is really not demanding at all... more of a suggestion), "Mom! You forgot to kiss me!" I stopped dead in my tracks and nearly tripped in my attempt to put on the brakes, "Say what?!? Wow. So sorry! Mommy doesn't want to miss her kiss from Allanee!!!"

It was seriously one of the best things I have ever heard him say... he wanted to KISS me? He wanted to kiss his mama!!! He wanted connection and affection and was demanding it. That boy got some kisses and I went to bed a very happy mama that night!

Amazingly sweet things are happening... demandingness... asking for kisses... saying brother is our best friend... telling others off... using our words to share our feelings... giving hugs for no reason at all... being sad about leaving grandparents... realizing we need each other... being at home with one another.

That is what family is...

Demanding what you want from each other 

and loving each other the best you can!

Well, at least that is the season we are in and I am so thankful to be demanded of and loved even in the Ugandan way!

Happiest Forever Family Day Allanee,

We are all better at loving because of you!

A Year Ago... Allan's Forever Family Day

I don't know the words to express how much I am feeling this week.
Maybe they just don't exist?

A year ago this week we got on a plane, flew about 8,000 miles... and went to meet our boy, Allan!

All week long Tim and I have been saying things like,
"A year ago today I saw him..."
"A year ago today was the worst day of my life." (ie court)
"A year ago today we were buying that over priced soccer ball and not batting an eye."

A friend of mine is about to deliver her first baby. We went to get her some goodies and I thought, "About a year ago I was looking for the biggest 'newborn' clothes, in size 5T... and it was still just as exciting, sweet and enjoyable!" My friend said, "Do you wash your newborns clothes and dream about putting it on them like I do?" I thought... "Yep and a 5 year old baby boy too..."

I am all sentiment.
I am all thankful.
I am all joy!

I can't express it.
I can't express how thankful I am to Ug@nda for allowing us the opportunity to be Allan's parents!
I can't express how sweet and good this year has been.
I can't express how much I know it was ALL God and NONE of me!

I know I did a crummy job of documenting our time getting Isaiah Allan Kizito home... while we were doing it... so I am hoping to post a bit more now.

But until then... here is how he has changed and grown in a year... 

Allan has grown almost 4 inches in the past year!

His eyes are "alive" and not full of fear.

He is speaking English in full sentences and sharing his own thoughts!

He still hates cheese, and loves rice, beans and chicken... and hamburgers.

He can ride a bike with out training wheels, is a soccer star and can draw airplanes.

He is a daddy's boy through and through!

 He is mama's "honey boy" (what he requests to be called).

Families are for children! 

If you don't believe that here is just one example.

Sept. 4th 2011

Sept. 4th 2012

WE LOVE YOU ALLANEE!

We can't imagine our lives with out you!