Monday, April 29, 2013

My New Goal In Life and My New Best Friend: The Telemarketer

I am a fairly non-confrontational person.
During our camp personality evaluation I was defined as an "Amiable"... and an extreme one at that.

However, there is one exception to this... phone calls by people I don't know.
Seriously, something sort of disconnects inside my amiable little head when I find out I have answered a call from someone trying to sell, promote, survey or ask something of me. The insanity that took place during the election undoubtedly raised my extremely low blood pressure to scary heights!  But that said, my interactions with unwanted callers has all remained an internal angst I've dealt with once I hang up... which is usually right after, "Hello, is this the lady of the house?" Seriously? Who talks like that? Only a telemarketer... uh-huh.

Today I got such a call...

It all starts with a ring.

I am a good dutiful homeschooling mom and my phone is always (by Murphy's Law) on the floor below my school room. This requires me to do what I like to call my "WOD"... (crossfit "workout of the day"). Honestly, this is probably where about 99% of my angst is developed.

Phone Answering WOD...
(Try it if you like... you will find it very effective for raising your heart rate and scarring your body, but it is effective!).

1. Jump out of my chair, while yelling, "Keep working kids, I got it!" (because for some insane reason I feel that if a phone rings it must, at all costs, be answered... it might be something/one important).
2. I do lunges over to the stairs. I start to feel the burn at this point.
3. I do shuffle-ball-changes down 15 stairs. I hurdle shoes, legos and stray toy cars. All the while trying not to fall, but go fast enough to make it to the phone by the 4th ring... because there is nothing more annoying than getting to it a fraction of a second too late and having the awkwardness of talking to someone while your voicemail rattles on in the background.
4. I do a pivot spin on the landing... this is where it gets sketchy in a terrifying way.
5. I do the leap of death off the last 3 step onto the concrete floor and try not to either catch my flip flop or skid in my socks dangerously akimbo on the smooth deadly surface.
6. I then finish up with a refreshing sprint the entire length of the house to the phone and press "Ok" on the phone as the final tone of the 4th ring sounds. Yay!
7. I answer as least breathlessly as possible, "Hha-Hha-Hhello?"

Then I hear, with great disappointment, that there is no recognition in the voice of the caller... BUMMER! Unneeded WOD!

Caller: "Hello, Mam, Can I please speak with Brum-Drrrm?"

Me: Hmm... Did the phone cut out? Brum-Drrrm... that sure doesn't sound like Marci or Tim to me... better clarify...

"Excuse me, didn't catch that..." More breathless panting.

Caller: "Yeah, is Brum-Drrrm there?"

Me: I am SO good at figuring out things like baby talk, English as a second language speakers, Luganda, Japanese, Spanish, Southern Drawl... small people who don't make sense in most languages. Brum-Drrrm... what could that mean???  (Brain working at decoding) Seriously stumped!

"Can't quite make out who you are asking for... what was that again?"

Caller: Yes, can I speak with Brum-Drrm?

Me: Really? Still "Brum-Drrrm?" (Thinking) What is with this? He can say EVERY other word just fine... OH wait... Tim is known for "punking" people on the phone. He does it about weekly to his elderly dad. Hilariously evil! I won't be a victim!
But yet, this guy sounds like a early 20 year old southern black man. Somehow, I just don't think Tim could pull that off. Indian, yes, Irish, most definitely, Russian any day... Better play this safe, because accusing someone of being ones husband and pranking them could get very weird if it isn't for sure your husband!

"Hm... I still can't figure out what you are saying... Try that one more time slower please."

Caller: I need to speak with Brum-Drrm.

Me: Ok pal, don't know what your deal is, don't want to be mean, but you officially crossed the line... you are now wasting my time. That is thievery at the highest level because everyone knows "time is money" and it is precious to me! I know you are working a job and "someone has to do it..." I gave you more than is due you. I was gracious and patient with you (something I don't muster for most annoying people who interrupt my life). Plus, I am all but certain you are totally being a jerk with your whole "Brum-Drrm" bit! I could have died trying to get to the phone during my "WOD" and my children's education is now becoming remedial because of you and our lengthy little chat. I could lay into you, but I will give you grace... once more.

"Yeah. You know. I have NO clue who 'Brum-Drrrm' is. They don't live here... Sorry."

(Should have done that after the first "Brum-Drrrm")

Think he'll call back tomorrow?

I am betting (sort of hoping) he will.

I have NOW made it my one and only Bucket List goal to get a telemarketer to hang up on me...

Oh, the limitless ways I could use this to my favor:
I could tell them all about how God took me a great sinner and saved me!
I could use them as personal therapy.
I could share my heart about adoption. Family preservation. Our ENTIRE adoption story!!!
I could run my 42 week homeschool Story of the World plan by him!
I could tell jokes, I really need to practice my timing.
I could have a good cry.
I could practice my Luganda!
I could teach the catechism... LONGER Westminster Confession.
I could even tell them my whole life story... it is very long and somewhat boring in parts. (Even our social worker said that she'd never met someone with "less stuff in their life." Yeah, not sure if that was a compliment or not.)

Kind of a mischievous one...

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