Uncharted

So, one thing I've realized over the last several months is that Kizito's situation in coming to us is really not the norm... Especially in international adoption.

That isn't bad, but it certainly puts us in some "uncharted waters."

I've scoured books, blogs, websites and asked many questions at our many classes and there is really nothing to help us or prepare us for what might happen or how we can help him adjust into our care.

Unlike most IA children Kizito has been cared for by the same loving family members his whole life. NO book addresses this... They only address children that have been institutionalized, abused or haven't bonded with people. BUT that doesn't mean he won't need to transition and that we don't need some sort of plan of action! I've stressed about how we need to proceed with transitioning him to our care. But I've not found any helpful answers, even our social worker isn't too sure what is the right course of action.

Other parents have said... Transition slowly and stay in contact, because that is what is right in the long term.

Others said... Do it quick and abrupt and cut off further contact, because that will help him bond quicker in the short term.

Two nights ago it clicked for me.

I am Kizito's mom.
Just like any of my kids, I have to wait and see how they handle it.
I have a gut feeling what is right for him and us all.

Sometimes we do what is right, but momentarily hard for our children.
Sometimes we do what is easier and deal with things later.
It just depends.

But parenting is about what you know is right for YOUR child, because God gave them to you.

There is NO book, advisor or resource that has the perfect plan for transitioning Kizito into our care.

We will have to go and see... And ask Jjajja.
(Grandma's very most often DO know what is best... I have found.)


And also I forget...real compassion.

"Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it." Henri Nouwen

I want to find that cure, make a perfect plan, preemptively avoid difficulties.
But really, going with him is the only right choice.
I know it is.
I could run away, fix, mend, tend, ignore, pity, indulge, overcompensate, react, find fault, regret or do a hundred other things.
Or.
I could be his mom and go with him through this.


As a side note, we spoke with Kizito's young aunt yesterday. She said they told Kizito about the court date and he misunderstood... He thought it meant we would be there that instant (I don't think he has the faintest clue the lengths of our love...so appropriate). She said he was very disappointed he would have to wait another week to see us. And he was very upset we didn't get to talk to him that night too.

Smile in my heart.


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