Saturday, March 22, 2008

When "Laughing" Doesn't Come Easy

You know, my verse up there is really more of a hope and dream for my life than a reality. Such a silly confession to make, but it is so true.  I am a generally happy person... content is a better word.  Recently I have felt so "unhappy," not unhappy like dissatisfied, but just not joyful.  I don't have that "strength and dignity... and can laugh at the days to come."  The days to come scare me, overwhelm me and I know I am not prepared for even this coming new baby.  I fear this baby will be a difficult one, the fear of colic makes my knees buckle, what ifs are plaguing me. What if Elias gets hurt because I am to preoccupied to watch him with this new baby, what if I can't keep up with it all, what if I fail them in some way?  
I am just in a mode of worrying right now and it is stealing my joy, making me irritable and I am not enjoying life. I am afraid of the days to come instead of laughing with strength at them... knowing that my strength is not my own, and relying on my Father. I realize that the only thing I need to have strength in is my reliance on the Lord. Deut. 6:5 says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your strength."  It goes on to talk about relying on our own strength in Deut. 8:17-18, "You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produce this wealth for me." But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." 
So often I just struggle with knowing how to do this, how to put all my needs in the Lord, loving him fully, relying on him with my whole being.  I am so like the people that say, "My strength, wisdom, goodness has accomplished great am I!" All the while I am ignoring the source of my accomplishments which is always and with out a doubt the grace and goodness of the Lord.  I am thankful and still fearful of the days to come.  Thankful for the opportunity to be further sanctified through this child.  To know him or her and to see what the Lord has to teach us through this child.  I am fearful that I will fall short, miss the opportunities that the Lord has for me.  I fear being so busy and overwhelmed that I won't even see the wonder and goodness of those days.  

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