Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Growing

Ugh... Where do I even begin? Well, lately I have seen one thing after another in myself that I don't like. I am just not the person I want to be, think others think I ought to be, or who the Lord has created me to be. More and more I realize that so much of what I do is selfish and pride based. I am too prideful to let other see me for who I really am that I push them away or don't let them in (both emotionally/socially and even physically). It is making me miserable and I realize that I am not living the "full" life the Lord intends for me to live.
This has really come to a head the past 2 weeks, both with my husband and with friends. We live in this great community, with women gallore that I could seek out to be friends with, and yet I don't because I can't get my life tiddy enough to feel like I should invite them in (both in my house and in my personal life). Now that I realize my complete pridefulness, I am even more down on myself, completely ashamed and not sure how to make it right. Which is in one way just a continuation of the pride. I don't need to fix it all, or to be so perfect. Yet I still fear others won't like me or think I am a good wife, mom, etc...
I wonder when I became like this. Why I care what others think so much! God is also showing me that I don't nearly know Him for who he REALLY is. Who is the REAL Jesus? He isn't the "nice", clean, nonconfrontational, boring preacher that so many sunday school teachers make him out to be. He was confrontational, even rude, and in your face!

Oops...baby crying will finish later...

2 comments:

merrell said...

thank you for your honesty! i love it. i TOTALLY hear you - why is it that we expect ourselves to be perfect, so then we present ourselves as perfect so others will like us and accept us? who are we kidding? we know that we are not perfect and never will be, and maybe we don't even want to be, yet something inside us keeps telling us that we are not good enough and to keep trying harder. YES, it's resting in the fact that since we are imperfect and messy and yucky and embarrassed that we are such - that we need Him. very humbling, but very real. let the messyness our girl, i dare you :) your community will be there to help you and allow you to be you. He has created us to be in relationship with others (which is not perfect by any means) and we risk getting hurt when we are in these close relationships. but that is what shapes us, molds us, and forms us in one way or another. (sorry for the sermon) know that i love you and am praying for you. you are on the journey, and way to go for being so present and honest w/ yourself. it is beautiful.

Claire said...

Marci, so sweet to hear your heart and thoughts. Thank you for being honest.