Re-Thinking Socialization

Questioning Socialization
Addie is now the age of our youngest campers. 

We are letting her be more independent at camp and participate in some activities. 

This week Addie joined in a "skills class" at camp... Drama.
(Like we need any more of that, haha). 

This week I watched on as Addie asked a 9 year old camper "Will you play with me at rec time?"

A few decades ago that would be a totally normal conversation for an 8 and 9 year old to have. Sadly, it seems it isn't any more.

The camper looked at Addie and gave her a face that communicated, "I don't play any more..."

She turned and started talking to another girl and avoided answering Addie.

Addie easily went back to work on her craft and seemed content being ignored. 

It was awkward... mainly for me. 

I felt shame and rejection on her behalf. 

As I viewed this exchange I started to doubt my resolve in how we've under-emphasised "socialization"... and that "Maybe we were dropping the ball with the socialization thing???"

Realistic Socialization 
This is the big topic about schooling at home. Come on... Admit it...
Homeschooler, or not, every one's first and sometimes only concern about homeschool is the apparent social, anti-social, non-social aspect of it.

I will even admit it, homeschooled kids do seem "different."

This isn't really a "how to" kind of post. How one family chooses to "socialize" their children is a personal, life style, kind of matter. We live at a place where for 3 months out of the year our children daily socialize with kids from the inner-city, foster care, broken homes, refugees and of different ethnic groups. Additionally, our college-aged staff members are some of their favorite playmates... then for 9 months we are "on our own". We also live in a sort of isolating place (when camp isn't in session), so what we do/need naturally would look very different in comparison to other people.

Our kids have done social things like soccer, church events, MOPS and we continue to do "play dates" with homeschooled, traditional schooled and adoption community friends. This summer our 3 oldest are doing what I consider to be their first big, alone, social activity... a sports camp! So, it isn't like we are complete hermits, even if it isn't a big emphasis of mine.

I love that homeschool allows our children a more realistic social atmosphere. They have friends of all ages and find common bonds with them around connective thing or similar interests. It is more similar to adulthood relationships.

Our 14 homeschooled children, from 3 families, ranging from 3 months
to 14 years playing happily TOGETHER at our  "school's" social outing!

The biggest reason we school at home is not to avoid things we don't want our kids being taught... but to ensure they learn what we want them TO be taught.

The same is true for socialization.

I am sure my kids could learn a lot from being socialized and educated in a traditional school, but I am way more concerned with what they naturally WON'T learn at a school.

Grace.
Forgiveness.
Forbearance.
Humility.
Perspective.
Servanthood.
Thankfulness.
Gentleness.

Having taught in all (public, private and homeschool) arenas I am convinced that really only one forum  has the potential to naturally teach a child social and spiritual qualities like the above.

It is the family.

Now, a family can definitely teach a traditionally schooled child these qualities, too!
However, the family does it in opposition to whatever may be taught/allowed in the daily social atmosphere in schools and classrooms... most notably the common social framework of self-preservation and self-centeredness.

Not all socialization is good (or realistic) social knowledge.



Re-Thinking Socialization
One time, during my pre-homeschooling days, this topic came up in a group of moms. One mom asked a homeschooling mom, "Don't you worry that your children won't learn how to deal with difficult people or bullies if they aren't in school?"

The other mom graciously said, "Yeah, I guess it might be a concern, but quite honestly, I have never in my life dealt with the meanness and cruelty that I dealt with my first 12 years of education. In my experience, people don't treat each other like that in the real world, at least I never have dealt with in since then. Plus, I am pretty sure my children can learn how to deal with difficult people in our own family. Their siblings give them plenty of opportunities to do that."

Just think about it. In a given classroom there are the children who are desperately trying to preserve themselves socially and those who are promoting the social climate to be around themselves. This natural system drives the social network in most homogeneous environments. Most often "social success" for children is considered to be the ability to fit in.

Honestly, I want a whole lot more for my kids.

I am working on not caring if my kids "fit in" to social norms.
I don't want to care if they look/act like other kids their age.
I just want them to know God and themselves well.

Addie, 8 playing Itsy Bitsy Spider with Thea, 2.

One of our independent homeschool group friends is an 11 year old girl. She is intensely loved by others, mainly because she has a sweet disposition that is always willing to "play" with little kids and to make them feel happy and loved. However, she is also able to relate in a more mature way with bigger kids. She can be herself because she isn't worried about preserving herself socially.

I wonder if the "socialization" in traditional schools tends to rob some kids of self-knowledge through the compromises that self-preservation requires.


Perhaps, that is why some homeschooled kids seem "different."

They are different.

They are themselves.